teenage PAROXYSM.

2012-02-08T20:24:00.000-08:00

I can still recall how I was bullied and laughed at during my childhood years in vivid detail. Yet in the wake of those memories, I've come to realize how much I've grown into a stronger person because of the past. Today, as I walk passed my bullies, I kept on fighting the urge to scream "No debt in the universe goes unpaid..Look at me now!" :))

2012-02-02T04:53:00.000-08:00

Futures and feelings always remain uncertain, but at least there are people to make you feel less alone, less scared........

Something certain, however, is the fact that I have someone with me whom I can build my hopes for tomorrow and unravel the mystification of my fate with. For all the worries I have about the future, at least for now, this is something permanent I can hold on to.

The first month of the year turned out to be beyond my expectation. I couldn't put a finger to the right words to explain how much loved he made me feel.

It's the quiet constant that's been keeping me together lately. Admittedly though, it makes me think a lot about the next few years or so, especially after all the weddings I've been to. Not that I'm imagining my gown and arranging the flowers in my head already - goodness, no. It does however beg the question of longevity and devotion. We've managed to reach this point mostly unscathed, but how long can we keep this up, considering the many changes that are just about to come? How stable is this anchor we're holding on to?

Twenty years, five years, or even maybe just a year from now, I might look back on this post and scoff at the triviality of these things I am now considering important. Perhaps they will not even change the course of my history as much as I believe they would. And maybe I'm just over-thinking things. But until everything is calm, and until things have fallen into place, these feelings will be pervading my thoughts, distracting me all day and keeping me up all night, forcing me to blog about them in the hopes of lulling myself to sleep.

5 years, 9 months and counting.

2012-01-11T07:31:00.000-08:00

You know where this is going. . .

...

Happy Monthsary, G!

And, uhm, yeah, I may have said this over and over for 69 long months now but I will never, in my entire life, grow tired of saying this to you.

I LOVE YOU!

laid-back

2012-01-08T17:24:00.000-08:00

No duty for 3 days, which means for the first time this year, I once again get a much-needed break. Allow me to stretch my arms and yawn and relish in the moment of still being in bed at this time of day - aaaaaaaaaaahhh. There.

I'm so exhausted, really. I'm tired from all the studying I have to do, which really takes a toll on me physically and mentally and emotionally. But then, that's something I have to do as a part of my course. It's a given, so I suppose it's a kind of pain I've gotten used to. What I'm more concerned about is the feeling that this weariness is trickling down on everything else, leaving me discontented and miserable even in the littlest of things. It's a vicious cycle of feeling bad and getting tired.

Nonetheless, I am lucky to have someone who's more than willing to free me from the seemingly unending stress. That person is what keeps me together and yesterday, I found that perfect moment to just break-free from anything that has to do with acads

All will be well soon. Oh look, sleep is still beckoning. I cannot refuse.

A taste of reality

2012-01-07T05:21:00.001-08:00

I'm turning 19 in a few days. I believe I'm at this point in my life where I'm desperately seeking for confirmation on everything -- I need the definitions. I need the answers. Am I doing it right? Have I done something worth remembering? Where am I going? All these things constantly linger in my thoughts. It's a never-ending cycle of trying to be someone we want to be. We want to define ourselves because it will give us some sort of stable ground as we play the role of being this self everyday. No matter how rebellious we claim ourselves to be, having these lines drawn for us help us establish the sense of identity because around these lines, we can create what we are or are not. Without them, where do we even start?

I've been having doubts about myself for the last few days or so because 19 sounds so old -- it's my last teen year! It's like by this time I should have at least found the answers to most of my questions. Unfortunately, I haven't. And I'm freaking out because maybe I don't deserve to be 19 just yet. (And not just because I am constantly mistaken as a 14-year-old girl.) I haven't evolved enough to be 19 yet. I'm not even sure if I know what being 18 is -- having a boyfriend? Getting to vote at the elections? Learning how to handle alcohol? Having a driver's license? Staying up late? It is hard to define.

So what is 19 anyway? How can I be 19? Where does 19 happen? When does it happen?

I, honestly, don't know. And I'll probably never know (yet) .Right now, just one thing is for sure. The answer toWhen, happens next Monday. Whether I'm ready or not, it's going to be there. So maybe I'll just let the year unfold before me as it defines itself. Maybe I'll find it at home, or in my bed, or in the classroom, or in the car. Maybe I won't. Maybe 19 is about the questions, the search.

Maybe 19 is about the maybes. Let's see.

Of nostalgic mem'ries and poetic license.

2012-01-06T01:31:00.000-08:00

They say most people today are always a half, a quarter, a part-something. Half-American. Half-Chinese. One-fourth Norwegian. Fifty percent blue-eyed. Twenty percent with hitchhiker's thumb; recessive gene. You get the idea. My parents are full-blooded Filipino, I was born and raised in this city and I have no significant clarifications regarding the pronunciation of my surname. I have always been a 100% something for most of the things in my life, and I had no intention of having it otherwise - OR SO I THOUGHT.

Looking back, I think I have spent almost half of my stay in WMSU with my heart leaning a little bit towards another college in particular, in that one university that set standards to all the rest. Not that I have ever considered shifting (or transfering)- God, no. I came to love my course and my department . Yet in the midst of it all, I come to realize, if only I could have had more guts, I would have taken that single step that would have changed the entire course of my college life. But no, I'm building the foundation of my future with grounds held tight on the Nursing Profession. I thought I wouldn't accept this fact. But now, I do. I love Nursing. I really do.

But I love CREATIVE WRITING even more, and quite honestly, it has been my first choice. .. Right from the very start.

I can verily recall the days spent in UP. It has been 3 years, yet the bittersweet memory still clings. And every time I see the Oblation statue brimming with passion and determination, I am reminded by what used to be my only goal, my target, my purpose, my calling. . that one dream I desired the most. . . Now it's lost. Taken away. Gone forever.

So tenderly, calling to me

The land of my heart's desire

Oh, how I sigh that I've lost thee

My passion as intense as fire

How my thoughts will stray

with every beat of my heart

Take me away. . .

To the path that I long from the start

2011-07-29T20:29:00.000-07:00

I write because words have power to change and shape us. I write to express what at first glance seems inexpressible. I write for the joy of watching a word develop like a photograph in a darkroom pan. I write because if the words build up inside me, I'll pop a blood vessel. I write because I want to endow spirit to every blank pageI scribble on. I write because I understand why God created words.

Reading by flashlight. Writing by heart.

Pass that sedative please.

2011-07-21T03:51:00.000-07:00

I find no words enough to truly explain how stressful this month has turned out. I'm home from what seems to be a toxic duty. Even describing it as such remains to be understated.

I've been laying on my bed staring at the ceiling for over half an hour. I swear I'm exhausted beyond words. Why won't my body let me sleep?

..because i can totally relate to this:

2011-06-20T19:31:00.000-07:00

"People can steal your ideas,

but they can never come close to stealing your intellect."

the most magical place on Earth.

2011-06-17T17:40:00.000-07:00

It's not unusual to hear people say they've given up on fairy tales. In fact, count me in on that statistic. I'm eighteen - hell, I've been rejected, I've cried myself to sleep, I've clung on to Brian McKnight's One last Cry, I've been through what I'd like to call "life's ceremonial jade-ing." I've long believed that fairy tales do not happen, and for the most part, do not exist, really.

If you still see Prince Charming as your proverbial life hero, your bookshelf (and life) must lack variety. Clearly, you haven't gone out to read tragedies, let alone experience them which is a shame, because there is more to life than the Disney perspective.

But see, it's through the rose-colored glasses of Disney that I first saw life outside the four walls of my home. It was Mickey and the gang that showed me that things will always be okay when you have a great (and diverse!) set of friends. It was Snow White's seven dwarfs that introduced me to the different types of people you can meet, it was Ariel's friends under the sea that opened my eyes to new worlds that I could never have imagined on my own. It was Mary Poppins inside my head when I refused to take an awfully disgusting antibiotic, and it was Belle's love for books that sealed my fate as a reader. For all their flight and fancy, the Disney movies that I saw growing up were all instrumental in making me realize that your world doesn't have to be confined within what you know - some stories may not be real, they may be imaginary and all in your head, but there's nothing wrong with that. And sometimes, it's even the most unreal that speak volumes about what really is.

I no longer wish for fairy tales. But I forever owe Walt Disney my love for stories and the art of telling them.

Just having to step into a place where magic happens was enough to make me feel grateful for all the tales Walt Disney has woven into our lives.

P.S I dreamed about walking around the pavements of Disneyland last night. It's pretty much stuck in my head now. Oh how I miss HK, Disneyland in particular. I promise to go back. . .as soon as I have the time. And the money.

Hormones taking its toll.

2011-06-13T05:42:00.000-07:00

Lip balm. Chic tint. Vanity mirror. Stuff toys. Pink glittery swirls. Stardust. I'm as girly-girl as those. But that's just the tip of the iceberg. What lies on the other side of the coin is something not everyone is cognizant of.

I admit I'm the last person to wear sneakers or any sports shoes at that, in a regular basis. But way back then, wedges were never on my vocabulary.

I may be an avid Gossip Girl fan, but NBA has the bigger play that if I am to choose between both, I'd choose the former.

I am constantly at odds with the sun, the heat it brings and the melanin formation that comes with it- the very reason why I limit myself from outdoor activities, at best. But childhood memories tell me otherwise.

During every girls' younger years, they would usually have Hello Kitty, Barbie or Tweety as their companions. Count me out. All I had were a couple of car toys, several packs of lego and toy guns. Even then, I never liked playing with smaller plastic versions of ourselves, we call dolls.

It's no secret that I've been in a state of frenzy over my long-term relationship with the man I prefer calling G. But what most do not know, is that I go gaga over a woman named Megan Fox. Yes, MF! Going gaga over her doesn't mean the fan-idol type of thing but rather a boy-girl feeling I, myself, cannot quite put into words. I literally drool over her pictures! But don't get me wrong, I'm straight as a line gauge.

You get the point.

I never really FULLY understood as to how or why. But what's clear to me is this: I have some sort of dual personality. Well, at least that's the simplest way to put it. But no, I don't have Schizophrenia. That I can assure you. But does it have something to do with my genetic make-up? or was it caused by the way I was raised? That I do not know.

. . .Until recently.

Notice the length of my index and ring fingers from both hands

(L: index longer than ring finger R: ring finger longer than index finger)

As much as I wanted to keep into memory every detail I saw on natgeo, this was just what I have grasped: The trend is thought to be linked to testosterone exposure in the womb. The research revealed that there is a direct correlation between finger lengths and the amount of male sex hormone that a baby is exposed to in the womb. Consequently, males with longer ring fingers are more masculine than those with equal lengths of index and ring finger, whereas females with longer ring finger would usually tend to be more interested to boyish stuff,s.

It would have been easier if my left and right hands are evenly matched, as what it should be. My case, however, makes it more complex. Since my index finger's longer than my ring finger at my left hand and is the total opposite on the other, does that confirm my above written apprehension I imposed upon myself? Does that explain my dual personality, so to speak?

Now bringing it into play, I cannot quite fathom how the length of my index and ring fingers from both hands relate to this in all respects. Come to think of it, however, the answer has been staring right before me. Either I was in denial or I was just too ignorant to notice.

PLEASE READ. It's worth your time.

2011-05-27T08:26:00.000-07:00

An Atheist Professor of Philosophy was speaking to his Class on the Problem Science has

with GOD, the ALMIGHTY.

He asked one of his New Christian Students to stand and …

Professor : You are a Christian, aren’t you, son ?

Student : Yes, sir.

Professor: So, you Believe in GOD ?

Student : Absolutely, sir.

ProfessorIs GOD Good ?

Student : Sure.

Professor: Is GOD ALL - POWERFUL ?

Student : Yes.

Professor: My Brother died of Cancer even though he Prayed to GOD to Heal him.

Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill.

But GOD didn’t. How is this GOD good then? Hmm?

(Student was silent )

Professor: You can’t answer, can you ? Let’s start again, Young Fella.

Is GOD Good?

Student : Yes.

Professor: Is Satan good ?

Student : No.

Professor: Where does Satan come from ?

Student : From … GOD …

Professor: That’s right. Tell me son, is there evil in this World?

Student : Yes.

Professor: Evil is everywhere, isn’t it ? And GOD did make everything. Correct?

Student : Yes.

Professor: So who created evil ?

(Student did not answer)

Professor: Is there Sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness?

All these terrible things exist in the World, don’t they?

Student : Yes, sir.

Professor: So, who Created them ?

(Student had no answer)

Professor: Science says you have 5 Senses you use to Identify and Observe the World around you.

Tell me, son … Have you ever Seen GOD?

Student : No, sir.

Professor: Tell us if you have ever Heard your GOD?

Student : No , sir.

Professor: Have you ever Felt your GOD, Tasted your GOD, Smelt your GOD?

Have you ever had any Sensory Perception of GOD for that matter?

Student : No, sir. I’m afraid I haven’t.

Professor: Yet you still Believe in HIM?

Student : Yes.

Professor : According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol,

Science says your GOD doesn’t exist. What do you say to that, son?

Student : Nothing. I only have my Faith.

Professor: Yes,Faith. And that is the Problem Science has.

Student : Professor, is there such a thing as Heat?

Professor: Yes.

Student : And is there such a thing as Cold?

Professor: Yes.

Student : No, sir. There isn’t.

(The Lecture Theatre became very quiet with this turn of events )

Student : Sir, you can have Lots of Heat, even More Heat, Superheat, Mega Heat, White Heat,

a Little Heat or No Heat.

But we don’t have anything called Cold.

We can hit 458 Degrees below Zero which is No Heat, but we can’t go any further after that.

There is no such thing as Cold.

Cold is only a Word we use to describe the Absence of Heat.

We cannot Measure Cold.

Heat is Energy.

Cold is Not the Opposite of Heat, sir, just the Absence of it.

(There was Pin-Drop Silence in the Lecture Theatre )

Student : What about Darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as Darkness?

Professor: Yes. What is Night if there isn’t Darkness?

Student : You’re wrong again, sir.

Darkness is the Absence of Something

You can have Low Light, Normal Light, Bright Light, Flashing Light …

But if you have No Light constantly, you have nothing and its called Darkness, isn’t it?

In reality, Darkness isn’t.

If it is, were you would be able to make Darkness Darker, wouldn’t you?

Professor: So what is the point you are making, Young Man ?

Student : Sir, my point is your Philosophical Premise is flawed.

Professor: Flawed ? Can you explain how?

Student : Sir, you are working on the Premise of Duality.

You argue there is Life and then there is Death, a Good GOD and a Bad GOD.

You are viewing the Concept of GOD as something finite, something we can measure.

Sir, Science can’t even explain a Thought.

It uses Electricity and Magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one.

To view Death as the Opposite of Life is to be ignorant of the fact that

Death cannot exist as a Substantive Thing.

Death is Not the Opposite of Life: just the Absence of it.

Now tell me, Professor, do you teach your Students that they evolved from a Monkey?

Professor: If you are referring to the Natural Evolutionary Process, yes, of course, I do.

Student : Have you ever observed Evolution with your own eyes, sir?

(The Professor shook his head with a Smile, beginning to realize where the Argument was going )

Student : Since no one has ever observed the Process of Evolution at work and

Cannot even prove that this Process is an On-Going Endeavor,

Are you not teaching your Opinion, sir?

Are you not a Scientist but a Preacher?

(The Class was in Uproar )

Student : Is there anyone in the Class who has ever seen the Professor’s Brain?

(The Class broke out into Laughter )

Student : Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor’s Brain, Felt it, touched or Smelt it? …

No one appears to have done so.

So, according to the Established Rules of Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable Protocol,

Science says that You have No Brain, sir.

With all due respect, sir, how do we then Trust your Lectures, sir?

(The Room was Silent. The Professor stared at the Student, his face unfathomable)

Professor: I guess you’ll have to take them on Faith, son.

Student : That is it sir … Exactly !

The Link between Man & GOD is FAITH.

That is all that Keeps Things Alive and Moving

I SURVIVED ANOTHER END OF THE WORLD!

2011-05-21T17:36:00.000-07:00

Now that May 21 is way over (in this part of the world, at least), the first sentence of my previous post seems funny.

Let's celebrate! We all survived yet another doomsday. I bet Harold Camping's next line would be:

"We are sorry about the inconvenience, but the rapture has been cancelled and is now postponed to December 21st, 2012.

Thank you for your understanding."

Just saying.

THE END IS NEAR. . . or is it?

2011-05-20T16:54:00.000-07:00

This would probably be my last post, in case the world ends today. Not that I believe in such crap. Either way, I'm keeping my faith held tight on this verse:

"But of that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, nor the Son, but the Father only"

Matthew 24:36:

There were multiple dates swirling around, claiming to be our Apocalypse. None of them proved true. Harold Camping's advertisements have taken its toll to most of the people. And apparently, the same man also predicted an earlier judgement day to occur on September 1994. This makes us think. Who else has decided that the world was ending on such a date we have already passed by? He further stated the world ends at 6pm. Didn't he know the world follows a timeline? Does he mean different parts of the world shall end disjointly? One at a time? Absurd.

For the mean time, I'll just lay on my couch and watch another person proven wrong.

HIATUS.

2011-05-20T16:41:00.000-07:00

Seriously, this blog is in need of love.

let's go physical.

2011-04-28T07:30:00.000-07:00

I have my insecurities about my body, I'll be the first to admit that. I hate that my front is well-endowed while my rear isn't bootylicious at all. I guess I'm the last person on earth, , to think that I'm sexy. (Thankfully, I think, The Boyfriend is the first, but that is irrelevant, and this is just me convincing myself to feel better. *laughs*.Okay, end rant.) But looking at myself in the mirrors of the gym, one hour everyday, every week, seeing myself swaying my hips in rhythm to Katy Perry's "E.T" - I can't help but feel hot, at least in those few precious moments. Crawling to "Kiss me, ki-ki-kiss me," I feel that I deserve to be kissed, that I need to be kissed - and I can make you. Just watch me loosen up with a piece of stick, go like lightning at the treadmill and so much more. It's a powerful feeling.

I started working out at the gym several times since last year. Those were times arose from boredom, though. It was only this time that I felt I needed a serious work-out.

I've spent the last few days putting together the combinations of exercises I've learned. At first, I only went running at the treadmill and to the weights area for arm exercises, now I wipe the floor with my back and knees. I never thought I could sweat so much in an hour. It's not as easy as it sounds. For you to see the after-effect, you should put your mind and body into it. Focus. Count. Breathe in. Breathe out. Continue. Your muscles will do the rest. I learned it the hard way. There are times I'd easily give up at the middle of the reps. Thank goodness, I have someone with me who would constantly abrade me with his remarks like, "Sige ka. Paano ka magiging Megan Fox niyan?!" or "Go boo. Sexy abs is 10 reps away!". Who wouldn't be motivated by that?

It takes a certain amount of courage to stand in front of a mirror, having my body staring back at me, while stopping the voice inside my head from having the urge to count the pounds and the inches. But once the counting starts, that voice is tuned out by the desire of the flesh to go, to move, to feel. It's an unexplainable feeling having your body move the you want it. The weights, medicine ball, treadmill, dumbbells were some of the things I never thought I'd be needing. Now, these things find a special place in my hands. The gym, I once thought, was a place not suited for someone as languid as I. Now, that's one of the places I have close to HOME.

DILEMMA.

2011-04-21T07:52:00.000-07:00

I lie awake, riffs floating in between my ears, colds stifled inside nostrils, thoughts smothered for later. It was lethargic how the night went on without a wink of sleep paying me a visit. How odd it felt to stare at the shadows on the ceiling, tossing and turning around in bed, adjusting the electric fan for more than two hours when you're used to dozing off to slumber just a few seconds after hitting the pillow.

For a night of sleeplessness, it was filled to the brim with questions. And never-ending games. Indeed, Mr. Archos 101 IT is a sudden insomniac's best friend.

And suddenly, slowly, the night unfolded itself to me. It was lethargic. But it was empty. It was as if seeing swirling colors in bubbles -- you see them there and yet they don't seem to exist. I cannot explain it. Words were coming to me, ideas were popping out of my head. I was confused. Was I in trance? Or was I just desperately sleepless? Why the sudden gush of words, of pictures, of questions?

I wanted to write it down. To type it. To draw it. There was something in my mind but unless it became tangible I cannot make sense of it. It was like being silently suffocated, however I didn't know by what.

I hugged my pillow tight, hoping to make it go away, or at least reserve it for some other time -- maybe after more sleep. Yet, I couldn't fall asleep. Army Millare's lines were haunting. Still I tossed, and turned, resisting the urge to exhaust my mind into figuring out the complex at that time of dawn. I had to sleep.

Okay, so I did fall asleep. Albeit very, very late and discontinuously. I still don't know what happened to me last night. Why did it feel so empty, yet refreshing? Am I going crazy? It feels like I am. It's the weirdest shit, I know. I knowww.

And now, in a (seemingly failed) attempt to explain what happened, I'm at a loss for words. I don't know. It doesn't make sense.

FOREVER.

2011-04-10T17:04:00.000-07:00

I'm not a fan of the word "forever" - I don't like using it in my essays, stories, and even my very few (and lame) attempts at poetry on secret parts of my notebooks and/or scratch papers.

"Forever" requires - no, more like compels - a certain kind of commitment: that of a lifetime. Forever. Eternity. For all of time. It's supposed to be held in esteem, I suppose, and I guess there's nobility in that, especially for relationships (not necessarily romantic) that truly value "forever" and stick to it. But what I don't like is how after the unexpected "expiration" of the word, it gets blatantly rebuked and upbraided. "I thought you said forever! What happened to our forever!?" - aside from the very obvious melodramatic overtones, I hate that no matter how true the sentiment behind these statements may be, well, it was founded on unrealistic grounds. Really? You expected someone to stay with you for all of time and not stop loving you? Really?

It's not that I'm such a jaded, cynical b*tch who feels deprived and unloved. My parents still adore each other after years of being boyfriend-girlfriend/husband-wife. But I don't know, I'm just not comfortable with the whole idea of it. I don't like pushing someone or something towards that expectation when in all likelihood, it's going to be (not impossible but) very difficult to uphold.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is for me to consider anything as worthy of my "forever" is definitely something. BUT RIGHT NOW, I've just affirmed my conviction that yes, indeed, despite my pretty logical line of reasoning, there is one thing I am willing to believe in; there is something I am willing to hold on to for all of eternity. . . .

I guess that would be. . the boy for which I can attach the suffix "-friend" to with no spaces and whom I love with all my heart and ~~soul~~ shoes (*moment of cheese*).

HAPPY 5th ANNIVERSARY, Boo.

Half a decade and we're still going stronger. Now, that's worth believing that maybe, something is worth to last FOREVER.

RESTROPECT.

2011-03-27T17:58:00.000-07:00

As I sit on the couch and lay my eyes on the pictures from the yesteryears, I can't help but feel the longing I never felt for a long time. I miss my grandpa. I miss everything he used to tell me. I was so naive then. But even at that age, I can remember it clearly.

At Sunday mornings, when he and lola would go to our house and bring delicacies of sorts, we'd usually sit on the couch side by side. Cartoons would usually be in play at the television. He'd tell me I shouldn't watch such because it makes my brain go dull- little by little, without me knowing it. I didn't quite understand why or how so it took him several times to repeat himself until I patterned myself upon what he said.

Back on kindergarten, his presence would always be felt on all corners of the hall every time I'd receive an award in our school. He would always be the one holding the camera- making the moment last. He would stroke my hair and look into my eyes and tell me how much I remind him of himself when he was young- full of determination, serious about life and fueled with dreams. His words overlap in a blur of the past but I remember him saying I should have my goals straight. Aim higher in case I fall short. Keep an eye on it. Make it happen. And savor my success. I admired him for that.

My pop was once ahead of his game during his time. He may have never been rich as he wanted, but his success was enough. He may not have any majestic inheritance he could bequest to the next generation but what he gave had more worth. He inculcated the value of hard work and perseverance and the prize I could get with it, not in the form of hard cash but something much more fulfilling- something that can make you look back and be proud of what you have achieved.

When he died, he left a spark- a spark which was enough to set everything ablaze. My mom's words replaced his. She kept the spark burning. She encouraged me to pursue what I've started, made me joined all seminars and trainings available to keep me going, supported me to in competitions I joined and made me do my best in everything I put myself in.

My grandpa molded me. When he passed away, he left his work unfinished, so it was my mom who refined the edges- polished me the way I am today. I owe both of them for that.

Now as I sit here in retrospect, I'm left staring at the TV set looking straight in the face of Spongbob. I wish I have my lolo with me, holding the remote and switching it to another channel, telling me to watch shows that are more educational. I wish I had the chance to freeze the moment when I was sitting beside him ages back. I pushed the thought away because that's too impossibly painful to dwell without losing my fragile hold on the situation entirely. But it kept on coming back. . .

I've lived by his words and put them into action. . But he had not lived to see me achieve it. .

Date an Illiterate Girl

2011-03-22T19:16:00.000-07:00

Funny how I was able to read two articles where one is the total antipode of the other. That got me thinking if the latter was written as a response to the former. Despite the contradicting ideas, I rate highly the concussion of metaphors, metonymy, litotes, euphemism and puns intermingled to come up with such a piece. Here it goes:

-------------------------------------------------------------------

You Should Date An Illiterate Girl

By Charles Warnke

Date a girl who doesn’t read. Find her in the weary squalor of a Midwestern bar. Find her in the smoke, drunken sweat, and varicolored light of an upscale nightclub. Wherever you find her, find her smiling. Make sure that it lingers when the people that are talking to her look away. Engage her with unsentimental trivialities. Use pick-up lines and laugh inwardly. Take her outside when the night overstays its welcome. Ignore the palpable weight of fatigue. Kiss her in the rain under the weak glow of a streetlamp because you’ve seen it in film. Remark at its lack of significance. Take her to your apartment. Dispatch with making love. Fuck her.

Let the anxious contract you’ve unwittingly written evolve slowly and uncomfortably into a relationship. Find shared interests and common ground like sushi, and folk music. Build an impenetrable bastion upon that ground. Make it sacred. Retreat into it every time the air gets stale, or the evenings get long. Talk about nothing of significance. Do little thinking. Let the months pass unnoticed. Ask her to move in. Let her decorate. Get into fights about inconsequential things like how the fucking shower curtain needs to be closed so that it doesn’t fucking collect mold. Let a year pass unnoticed. Begin to notice.

Figure that you should probably get married because you will have wasted a lot of time otherwise. Take her to dinner on the forty-fifth floor at a restaurant far beyond your means. Make sure there is a beautiful view of the city. Sheepishly ask a waiter to bring her a glass of champagne with a modest ring in it. When she notices, propose to her with all of the enthusiasm and sincerity you can muster. Do not be overly concerned if you feel your heart leap through a pane of sheet glass. For that matter, do not be overly concerned if you cannot feel it at all. If there is applause, let it stagnate. If she cries, smile as if you’ve never been happier. If she doesn’t, smile all the same.

Let the years pass unnoticed. Get a career, not a job. Buy a house. Have two striking children. Try to raise them well. Fail, frequently. Lapse into a bored indifference. Lapse into an indifferent sadness. Have a mid-life crisis. Grow old. Wonder at your lack of achievement. Feel sometimes contented, but mostly vacant and ethereal. Feel, during walks, as if you might never return, or as if you might blow away on the wind. Contract a terminal illness. Die, but only after you observe that the girl who didn’t read never made your heart oscillate with any significant passion, that no one will write the story of your lives, and that she will die, too, with only a mild and tempered regret that nothing ever came of her capacity to love.

---------------------------------------------------------------

To the author, I hope me sharing this goes to show how much I loved your piece.

I guess being an illiterate in this article doesn't actually mean full-on like "Never went to elementary school," he means a girl who doesn't read for leisure or think deeply about life, literature and philosophy. I love this piece. BUT I READ, so suck it.

Vengeance.

2011-03-11T02:37:00.000-08:00

The moon, in its bright, wistful glow, loomed over me like a repressed question waiting to be answered. I didn't believe in these things, I really didn't. But that after what have just happened a few hours ago, I guess, reality is staring in front of everyone's faces now. Mother nature, after centuries of relentless abuse by humankind, is finally hitting back with a vengeance.

Just this afternoon, Japan was hit by a devastating M8.9 earthquake giving rise to colossal tsunami waves.

The inevitability of earthquake is here and now. Sadly, even developed countries are still at odds over the earthquakes and tsunamis in apocalyptic proportions. The world saw how vulnerable even the first world countries are. At the same time, there must also be an honest recognition of the fact that no amount of technological advancement can fully bring nature to heel. While other countries have been spared a direct hit from the tsunami, it does not necessarily mean they are to deflate their vulnerability. The Philippines, our country, is in no exception.

I guess by harming Nature we harm ourselves. We are one with our surroundings,what we do to it even through abject ignorance, will eventually come back to haunt us.

Sincere condolences to the the families over the death of their loved ones. My heart goes out to all the victims.

my heart is in the right place.

2011-03-09T13:14:00.000-08:00

It's not always a walk in the park, especially when my to-do-list seems endless and I reached this point of complete and total stagnation- no neurons working, eyes coming to a shut, body system failing- just a loud, piercing kind of silence that looms over me like a dark cloud.

The last few weeks have been toxic, really toxic. The next ones aren't going to get any better either, maybe even worse. The semester is coming to a close, yet I don't feel a sense of relief washing over me just yet.

It's no secret that this sem is probably one of the toughest I had so far. With RLE and the endless requirements I have to contend with, it seemed so impossible to get 6 hours of sleep or so. It's safe to say that I really am a nurse now, staying up late for NCP, SIC, Drug Study, Case Study, Case Presentation and the list goes on. Sometimes I'm still surprised at how I peel myself off the bed and go to school even on zombie-mode.

But if there's one thing that keeps me excited, is the fact that every Thursday to Saturday, we get the chance to touch lives in our own simple ways. We were assigned at Mindanao Central Sanitarium and we were spending 3 days a week with Hansenites. Yes, lepers. Despite the social stigma their condition brings, I feel so lucky that I was given the chance to be with them. Even just for a moment. Even just for a while.

Everyday what keeps me going is the interesting conversations I share with them. They've got a tight grip on reality and every statement leaves a powerful mark on me- from their day-to-day experiences with normal people outside the vicinity of the Sanitarium upto their personal pain whenever they're alone.

I am constantly in awe with how they keep their faith with the Supreme Being in spite of everything. It's amazing how they gather the strength they need to carry on from the most mundane of things. They were left, discriminated, judged, loathed, and pitied yet they kept their hopes high and entrusted everything to Him.

And I realize, how can I not be motivated after that? How can I still have an excuse for feeling heedless when here I am, mingling with people less fortunate but MORE GRATEFUL than me? Their faith does not take away the stress, that I am sure of. But for the most part, it makes it more valuable. More significant. More fulfilling.

Come to think of it, they're not pitiful. Admirable is more like it.

Date a girl who reads

2011-02-16T16:24:00.000-08:00

Some random write-up I read a few days back. The thought was, well, something I couldn't agree more. Cheers for the girls who are in the same boat as I!

Date a Girl Who Reads
By Rosemarie Urquico
Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted.

Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.
It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her.You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.
You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes.

Never have I believed in destiny. But maybe, just maybe, he can change that.

2011-02-15T06:00:00.000-08:00

People are overusing the "less than" sign attached together with number 3. Balloons, flowers and chocolates are on sale every part of the city. And yes, it's that time of the year.

Being someone's Girlnospacefriend somewhat thrusts me over to the "Must Celebrate and Be Romantic" side. Society coerces me into thinking that I should receive flowers, I should eat at an expensive restaurant, I should expect a surprise inside a cake or at the bottom of the champagne glass. But I won't. And I realized, Valentine's Day doesn't change its effect on me. I'm still in the middle ground. It's still just a day. A Monday. In fact, he'd have a class the entire day and so would I. THE WORLD DOESN'T STOP ON THE 14TH OF FEBRUARY.

Not until . . . .

I was gorging myself at Jollibee with friends during Lunch Break. I received no PMs, text messages, or any form of greetings. None. Zero. I was enraged as any woman at that day would be, given the same circumstance. My emotions clouded everything. It was worsen by the fact that my friends kept teasing me about it- how "he forgot he had a girlfriend to celebrate Valentine's Day with". And basically, I was on the verge of believing it. I sat there oblivious to the world. Out of the blue, from my peripheral sight, I saw red balloons stocked altogether, held by the man I so love. Then there came the spark that quickened my heartbeat in an uneven pace. He walked towards me, kissed me on the cheek and whispered "Happy Valentine's Day, baby!" right unto my ear. I was so engulfed by the moment, I forgot I had my friends with me. They were all shouting, teasing us. Other people were looking at us too. But at that time, no one else mattered.

Came afternoon, we passed by SS to usher on a program we were invited to. We may have not won the contest on which we joined, but everything still seemed pretty perfect without the prizes we would have wanted to have. We ended up with a Red Ribbon Vanilla Mousse Cake which was, by the way, mouthwatering.

We may have missed the chance to win the "free" dinner date but what we had was "n" times better than that. And oh, have I mentioned about ditching class the entire afternoon? So yeah, we both did. That day was better spent with him than in a class, feigning attentiveness just to hide the anticipation of being with the one I wanted to be with during that special day.

We spent the entire afternoon together taking pictures, holding each others hands, taking pictures, eating any edible foods at sight, taking pictures, talking about the future- our future, taking pictures, laughing about the past, taking pictures, looking straight into each other's eyes and yeah, taking pictures. It's amazing how hugely different our interests are and how we seem so similar all the same.

When I thought the day was about to end, he begged to differ. While we were having our almost-midnight desert at Lantaka, he left me blown away yet again. He told me he'd go back to the car and park it somewhere nearer but apparently, he came back bringing me yet another Valentine's gift. And much to my surprise, beneath the red wrapper were two books I was longing to have since like forever.

He brought me home after a stroll at Paseo. It was almost 12, then. He racked up the night with a kiss. His lips touched mine for a second. . or maybe two. And that kiss- our kiss, made me forget everything. It was one I will never forget. Ever.

Never have I believed in destiny. But maybe, just maybe, he can change that.

Here's to hoping your Facebook news feed gets just the right amount of cheesiness today. Nobody wants overkill. Happy Valentine's!

1-11-11

2011-01-11T16:03:00.000-08:00

Rare are the men who'd have enough balls to say this directly to your mom, especially with the public's eyes lurking in all corners. No wonder I've been head over heels with the same guy for 57 months now. Happy Monthsary, G! You know I love you.

2011-01-01T17:46:00.000-08:00

It's the freaking 2nd of January? Gee. Where did all the time go?

I don't want go to school just yet. The mere thought of getting my things fixed for tomorrow makes me sick. The need to brood over the topics discussed makes it worse. I need to shift, no, I need to transfer! And if I don't I am certainly not armed head to toe for any onslaught of sympathy. But despite the doom and gloom I still believe I'm starting the year right..my organizer's all but empty. I've been working on it since like forever. Cheers to fine-tuning my entire 2011 with G's Christmas gift!

I'm off to go out with him. *Later!

happy new year!

2011-01-01T00:54:00.000-08:00

I hope you had a great one, because I definitely did.

I find no space for words to describe how GREAT 2010 has been to me. It has been a crazy ride but no matter how delirious I've become, I enjoyed every minute of it. No amount roadblock can put down a heart fueled by PASSION, DETERMINATION, COURAGE and LOVE.

Here's to the epic year of 2010 and to some more kick-ass days ahead.

HAPPY 2011!

HG FEVER.

2010-12-29T21:44:00.000-08:00

While I am no techno savvy, I become all too picky with books I leaf through. To prove what I mean, I still had to probe the net for the best read and got this.

Since the number one on the list for 2010 was the 3rd book of The Hunger Games Trilogy, I casted the die for the first one which like its other sequels, was the best-selling book of the year. I've seen nothing but rave reviews for this series all over the Internet, so I finally jumped on The Hunger Games bandwagon too and got myself a copy.

I could go on and on about this book, but I don't want to say too much - it's a book you have to experience for yourself. It's amazingly well-written, fast paced, original, powerful, but also vile and gruesome and oh so much more! Do yourself a favor and get a copy of the book, even if you think this is not your cup of tea.

I'm still halfway through the book and much to my surprise, I found out that it will be on the big screen in a few years time. How can I be so outdated? Now I'm cramming my way through the first book so I'll finish the series in no time. 2013, COME QUICK!

2010-12-28T05:42:00.001-08:00

I'm in denial that school starts again in a week. Before I get my festive spirit back on again for New Year, I better do something productive otherwise I'm dead meat.

Yes, Pharma and NCM, I'm looking at you.

2010-12-24T16:46:00.000-08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS to one and all!

Let's not forget that this season wouldn't be possible without the one who's the sole reason we celebrate this day. Happy Birthday, JESUS CHRIST! You're the BEST and I love you more than anything else in the world.

defying reality.

2010-12-20T15:59:00.000-08:00

It's during boring days like this when I have the strongest desire to drive away to some place and just escape. I want to explore the day, turn up the speakers, take in the city, soak myself in the culture. I want to leave with no direction in mind, run away with no plans, go out with uncertainty. I want to be someplace else where I can lurk in the unknown, with no one knowing who I am, where I can be someone else other than myself.

I want to read poetry in a dimly lit cafe; to make tangible the words I've written in my journal during my most vulnerable moments. I would throw my words to the universe and pray that they come back to me one day after everything else has fallen into their places.

I want to vandalize on walls along main avenues, painting out song lyrics that speak so much about the things we can't normally say. It'd exhilarating, writing them out for all the world to see. There would be a curious excitement in me, wondering if there is anyone out there who relates to the song the same way I do.

I want to dance on stage and be a ballerina. On my toes I'd be doing pirouettes in Swan Lake, swaying gracefully to the music of Tschaikovsky. With only my body as my instrument of interaction, I would weep as Odette with no tears, I would enrage as Odile with no screams. The curtains would rise and fall and in every scene I would be a different persona, traipsing from one end of the emotional spectrum to the other.

I want to feel sand in between my toes as I walk along the shores of the beach. The sun would shine its glow on me, calling me out onto the sea as if I was her daughter. I would dip my feet into the water, resisting the urge to jump in at first but only to find myself giving in to the call of the waves. It would be dark and mysterious but the allure of the unknown would entice me and I would find myself calmed in the ocean.

I want to be somewhere else other than here, to be someone else other than this Jobel Fernandez. It's not exactly because my life sucks or anything. In fact, nothing's really wrong. It's just that sometimes it can be very exhausting being myself. I know it's weird but sometimes I can't help but feel that everything is just a front, that this whole sociable, friendly, excited girl is just a consequence of what is expected of me. Tucked deep inside me is a loner, a cynic, a rebel that cries out for her emancipation. I like being who I normally am, but I also want to be out of character at times, with no questions asked.

I just want to escape the monotony for a while.

But no, I'm not emo. I'm just sleep-deprived, I guess.

night episodes.

2010-12-20T05:37:00.000-08:00

At night, I like holding a warm mug of coffee while I sit Indian-style on my computer chair. I like it when the music is low and gentle (almost like a lullaby), and everyone's asleep. The night belongs to me. I'm making a list (an actual list, mental notes are useless). It's a random rundown of things I'd like to get for Christmas. It's sort of all jumbled up and, really, there's no use classifying them.

My mind, contrary to the list I've been making is fuzzy with thoughts of this and that. At one point I'm thinking about how socially awkward I am. At another, I'm thinking I need money. Sometimes I also think of parallel realities, like my blog and how desolate it has come to be.

Ice cream. Scorch. Breadcrumb. Hormones. Smoothies. Noise. Osmosis. See how random I can get?

on a jingle bliss.

2010-12-07T18:54:00.000-08:00

This month is flying by!

G with the 20-ft Christmas Tree

at Paseo del Mar

I love the anticipation I get from waiting for Santa to arrive, the commemoration of Jesus Christ's birth, the merriment I get from parties, the dazzle of the lights all over the city and the twinkle in the children's eyes as they eagerly receive their Christmas presents. Oh how I LOVE CHRISTMAS!

I can hardly wait for that exact day to come.

17 days more!

of yesternight and the nights before.

2010-12-05T04:44:00.000-08:00

First things first, we are BACK. And by that I mean, WE ARE BACK FOR GOOD. Not that it happened just recently. In fact, things went back to normal ages ago, I was just too lazy to blog about it. With all the scathing words uttered and lone days spent ignoring each other, the cold war ended with a piece of chocolate cake and a set of red-and-pink balloons. Plus, a tear-inducing "Sorry, boo. I love you".

Anyway, yesternight was beyond awesome. After two years, finally, we were able to step on to Zamboanga's biggest mansion for the second time around. It was wonderful going back to a place you've created memories on with someone so dear. Big thanks to Madam Anita Kaw for her utmost welcome.

I can verily recall years back when I was told that the canning factory was theirs, I was kind of expecting a ton of cans of sardines all over their house. Much to my dismay, there was none. Yet what caught my attraction was the size of the place. Their canning factory could fit on to the hectares of land they've allotted for their home and would still be spacious for twice as much. It was BIG. No, it was HUMONGOUS!

It's ain't everything, I tell you. One must set foot there in person to get the bigger picture.

every story has to end. . . .

2010-11-11T05:57:00.000-08:00

. . . even how much we wanted it not to.

My eyes are still swollen from crying myself to sleep and my pillow reeks of dried up tears. No way in a million years could I ever imagined a relationship as unparalleled as ours could end like this, much less in a not so apt place as the chat room. I was so mad- mad at him for his belated remorse about breaking his promise. He made his decision before I knew it. He knew for sure what my reaction would be and how he was taking our relationship at risk. He knew me too well for his choice to go askew. He sensed this to happen, I know. How would he not? This has been happening for three consecutive years- the same reason. But I guess, for a moment, he didn't care.

That instant, my bemoaning spewed hastily as I typed before I knew it. I sent him scathing words, telling him what I couldn't say in person. His reply was as mordant as I could ever expect, throwing all sentiments back to my face. Even now, I could feel his accusations spitting acid words from the screen. He broke his promise. I got mad, expressed it. He repercussed. You get the gist. I guess people were right; I'm good at making statements. It's the fallout I cannot handle.

Unable to stand another second communing with my inner critic, I threw off the heavy duvet. I reached over to flick on the light. The glare of the bulb inside the room reflected off his gift from our fourth anniversary, one I re-read for nth time since he gave it to me, a reminder of our past that may not be in reality again.

Even in my sleep last night, I heard all those words once again, only that, it wasn't confined to the bounds of the screen. It was all over my head. Every word, every accusation chipped away at me until I was nothing at all. When my alarm clock rang, I slammed my hand on the buzzer to shut it up, completely unable to motivate myself out of bed. What I wanted to do was eat. No, not eat. GORGE. I would inhale waffles slathered with maple syrup. Bacon fried so crispy it broke with a satisfying crunch. Thick slices of bread covered in warm, freshly ground peanut butter. As I headed out of bedroom, I saw the computer. I saw pictures of various couple in tumblr, reminding me of what we used to be. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror across the room as I got up slowly, wild-haired, ghastly face and green with envy.

Now as I stare at the monitor, I couldn't help but watch our videos together- those moments when we were problem free and none of us bore grudges. Resentment pricked me like a fine silver I hadn't noticed until I brushed against it. Why hadn't he called to check on me? I know I deactivated my facebook account, but was that the only communication possible? Why hadn't he personally visited and asked for apology? All I received were verbal pleads followed by a missed call. Were those enough to fix all the broken pieces together? Everything could have been settled only if he exerted more effort. All I wanted was something more compelling, something that could sway my fury and rancor to oblivion. Did he want to let things fall apart for good? To leave everything as it is- broken and unfixed? To throw the four years away?

. . . . . . . . . .

There's this place in me

where your finger tips still rest...

your kisses still linger and
your whispers softly echo...
It's the place where a part of you
will forever be a part of me.

welcome me back to your arms, HK.

2010-11-05T04:09:00.000-07:00

The sound of the airplane's roar woke me on my deep slumber. The plane was landing and I was asleep for two hours or so. I looked around only to see people of different sorts nearby. Beside me was an old lady whose skin was wrinkled with age, eyes similar with that of my brother. Two rows behind us were two dark men with beard all over their faces. They were like ones I see in action movies. The only difference was they seemed so innocuous with their eyes closed and arms curled below their chest. A sound from a front was saying "We've just landed at Hong Kong International Airport. Enjoy the rest of the night. . . ." and the rest was a blur. It suddenly came to me where I was, where we were. For almost the entire flight I was catching some zzzz's which means I missed the sight of Hong Kong from above at night! A few moments later, people where lining up as if so eager to break out. I got my luggage on the upper compartment and headed to the line. I noticed there were a lot of people of different nationalities speaking various words so foreign to my ears.

The airport was filled with tourists- young and old, white and black, tall and short. Name it. A lot has changed in a matter of 14 years since our last visit. The airport itself has evolved to a world-class wonder. My eyes wandered in bewilderment. It was unlike anything in the Philippines. Everything was organized and polished up to the smallest detail.

We rushed along the way following the crowd. Before moving into the main airport arrival area, we still had to ride an MTR, as they call it. Two minutes was all it took and in a blink of an eye, we were stepping towards the Immigration Control Point where we had out passports stamped. It wasn't a piece of cake, though. The Immigration officer had numerous questions ranging from the purpose of visit up to the location of stay. They had strict rules imposed and practiced in all parameters of the city. No wonder it was a safe ground for tourists.

As soon as we got out of the airport, a smooth breeze brushed unto my skin, sending chills to my spine. The The wind was blowing hard. I closed my eyes, gasped a long breath and said to myself, "WELCOME ME BACK TO YOUR ARMS HONG KONG. I'll get you rocking"

PRE-18TH

2010-10-29T06:18:00.000-07:00

I apologize for the lack of updates these past few months. I've been attacked by Laziness with a capital L. I don't know why I just couldn't get myself to write anything serious.

Talk about updates, I'm currently on HK. I traded a would-be 18th Birthday Party for this trip.

Hong Kong at night as seen from THE PEAK.

Is HK beyond words, or what?

The reason I asked for a trip for my 18th birthday instead of a party is because of the enormous amount of exhilaration I get from travelling. I have a friend who actually told me that travelling is a waste of money because you can see everything in the Internet. I was quite shocked. Looking at pictures of a location will never be tantamount to being actually there. Immersing yourself in a different culture, seeing a whole new place, enjoying a foreign land -- the whole experience is enough to make the money you spend so worth it. You get to see the world through a different angle, and you get to appreciate it more. I love the excitement of seeing a new country and opening my eyes to a completely diverse location. The adrenaline I get from that will be nothing compared to what a big party can give me.

I'd be happy to get into details as soon as my creative juices will be back. Stay put, everyone.

Dear Sembreak,

2010-10-14T16:47:00.000-07:00

What's taking you so long? How much longer do I have to wait?

Please come, quick. I need you. I want you!

it's the ride that makes you wanna jump out.

2010-07-09T02:31:00.000-07:00

I'm back from the stress factory. A month and a week passed and I'm still into the digestion process. I'm not quite sure if I'm well adjusted by now. I hate the feeling of having to go to school to study things I don't even want to deal with in the next few years of my life. Welcome to the life of a STUDENT NURSE.

I suddenly remembered my eager anticipation for the Freshman Orientation and the opening of classes. "I'm gonna be in College! I'm gonna shine (academically per se)" I thought. I was counting the days before the start of college life. "It's going to be great!" That was my mantra. I kept repeating to myself that I'm going to be a new person, have a new life, blah blah. Everything would be just like in the movies, chick-flicks and all. I was so excited. But now? I don't know.

I'm not sure if I "shine" the way I was supposed to, or if life really turned out to be something great. I've had my ups and downs, but nothing spectacular like what you see in the cinemas.

All I know for sure is that, College is one huge rollercoaster ride. And the last ride in my student life, I should say. It can make you throw up, gag, or even want to jump off the track. But what sucks is that we're all strapped in our seats, and it's either we curse and hate it for life, or just scream our lungs out and enjoy what's left of the ride.

formspring.me

2010-05-28T05:57:00.001-07:00

C'mon, don't hesitate. I don't bite. http://formspring.me/jobelfernandez

God and Gov.

2010-05-10T18:45:00.000-07:00

It's that time in every 6 years,the time I've been fearing yet looking forward to all the same.It's when new paths unfurl, new chapters unfold,new episodes begin. It's the dawn of a different epoch- it's ELECTION DAY,people.

Will this era mark the beginning of the rising of our country from the ashes? Or will history just repeat itself? As for now, nobody knows. It's beyond the power of anyone's cognition to stand in the parameter of certainty. The best thing to do now is to ask for God's grace and glory so that whoever may be ushered into the different national and local positions are the one's whom our country needs as of this moment.

I can verily recall the preach last Sunday. It revolved around the idea of God and our government. The pastor pointed out that, though in some ways these two ideas seem to differ, people should not separate both; that government is always linked to God himself, that we should put high regards and honor the authorities as we honor God. For if people would only follow and respect our government like how we follow and respect God, for if only people occupying elective office will serve the populace the way they serve God, for if only people will value their fellowmen the same as they value God, this country, our country will, without the shadows doubt, be a better place to live in.

I believe the 9 years of excruciating torment experienced under the present regime is a stepping stone for something big in the years to come. I believe that our yesteryears are all part of God's plan.

Let's not lose hope, shall we?

2010-04-12T04:45:00.000-07:00

04-11-10

Just as I thought my love life couldn't get any better, our 4th Anniversary came to pass. It was, hands down, the best day ever. Not that the other days spent with him weren't. It's just that there were some things about this day that make it rather second to none. Guess one thing is that it was our 4th ANNIVERSARY. The other things, well, that I do not know.

Prior to the romantic special day itself was the dilemma of what to give to your partner. What's a special occasion without any keepsake to hand over to the one you were celebrating that day with, anyway? It doesn't have to be a top-drawer, though, it just have to be, well, meaningful. So, unlike last year, you-know-who exerted much more effort this time. (See the above photo) He drew it himself and it only took him a night to prepare the letter and the drawing. Like, hello? What else can he do? Probably "things-he-can't-do list" would make it shorter. So basically it was placed on an illustration board and the funny thing was, he forgot to remove the price sticker. Imagine seeing it just when I was driven out by tears by his melodramatic sweet nothing. Suddenly, I laughed. You should have seen me. Apart from that was another gift which came by surprise. He bought me a black shirt worth nearly as much as my allowance for a week or two.

The day might have not started the way it was expected to be. We've gone from one resort to the other only to catch sight of numerous random people swimming in the pool. Pretty annoying but surely worth it. We ended up at Astoria Regency. And how can I forget? That was where we had our last year's anniversary. Only that fewer shots were taken a year back. The entire afternoon was spent in making way through the water. We went home to refresh and headed to the mall to look for new items as we always do. As the night settled in, we sat on the couch and watched Gossip Girl for 3 straight hours.

Moments as simple as those would still make our hearts throb in fast irregular beats and bring forth that icy spiky feeling going up through our spines- that "kilig" sensation, one might say. We could go on just seated on the couch for the entire day watching DVDs, talking about our future plans and look into each other's eyes without getting bored.

Research may affirm that long-term relationship kills romantic love, that lovers get weary as time passes and that there's a great possibility for love to weaken through the years. WE BEG TO DIFFER.

king of the boxing ring.

2010-03-14T01:08:00.000-08:00

It came with no surprise, though. It's like he's destined to reign in the boxing arena. By the way, have you seen his Pompyang move? That got me laughing. Seriously.

the monthsary.

2010-03-12T02:07:00.000-08:00

She sits there wandering through stray memories and things to do. She sees his name on the lower corner of the screen just below the statement that reads "friends online". Today's 11th of March and it's unusual to think he can forget the day as special as this.

It's the hell week, and she's supposed to crack books, but she lets herself loosen up for a little while. Her mind wanders through nothingness, bringing into memory the times when she and the guy whose name appears to be on the online list but doesn't even bother to say hi, spends the entire day together. She remembers just last month, he went to her house with bouquet of roses on his hands. He handed it to her and whispered the sweet words "I love you".

She gives out a sigh of disappointment. Days like that aren't new. It was just one of those moments. At special days like this, he would usually surprise her with teddybears, chocolates or would simply visit her at the crack of dawn. She'd get out of her room, still in her pajamas and would rush to his arms. They would watch movies all day with her head on his shoulder and his arms wrapped all around her waist.

She remembers the night during his father's birthday. They were on the balcony of the 10th floor of Skypark watching cars pass by from above. From what seemed to be a simple night turned one of the most memorable nights of their lives. For hours, they talked about their flight of fancies, their darkest secrets and the list goes on. They could go through forever just like that.

Now, she sits there, still reminiscing, thinking of how much everything can change at a snap of one's finger. It isn't what it used to be. He still is online. And so was she. What hurts her the most is that it's the 11th, for heaven's sake! Each tick of the second-hand worsens the hole in her chest, as if engulfing her entire system. She's not used to be treated like this, all the more by the man who has given her the best that this world can offer.

She waits . . . though she's been doing that from the time she saw his name. The clock ticks faster. She's staring at random photos and names on the monitor. She's not the patient type but she keeps on waiting.

Two hours, now, she gives up. She clicks the "x" button and shuts the computer down. All she's been wanting all this time is for him to greet her or say hello or anything for the very least. After all, it's their 47th monthsary.

She rushes to her room and locks the door. Tears fall down from her eyes. . . . . She cries. . . all night.

what's Valentine's without him to spend it with?..

2010-02-14T06:52:00.000-08:00

. . . it would have probably been the lamest day of the year. But no, not for me.

. . . No asking why. My dear bloghoppers, you must have known it be now. *teehee*

at the coalface..

2010-01-16T23:42:00.000-08:00

It all happens too fast and too soon. Things start coming to a close before I even get the chance to relish it. Things begin unfolding before I have time to forget. It's a continuous roller coaster ride and there's no way to be sure of what's going to happen next. Sometimes, it's so sudden it hurts. But sometimes, the rush makes the transition easier.

Just when I began to realize that teenage years are the best years of ones life, I turn 17! One year more and I'll be celebrating legality. Oh, Gahhd no! The celebrating part is still in question, though.

So why am I getting hysterical about this? The point is, I fear aging. I fear getting wrinkles. I fear having white hair. I fear seeing myself walk towards graveyard. There's this one day in the entire year, this one day that I begin to reminisce and sing the blues. This day may differ from one person to the other. The only similarity is that this day is being celebrated by everyone. But, no, not me. There's no chance I'll be in pure bliss whenever the 16th day of January punches the clock.

I'd rather be as cold as stone than to see everyone rolling out the red carpet to greet me "happy birthday". What's there to celebrate, anyway? All it gives me is an additional year to the milestone as if reminding me of how much time I have left on this planet. Great!

On the brighter note, nonetheless, just when everything's getting shitty, he flared and brought me away with the fairies. He even gave me this just so I won't frown over my age . . .

That present made me feel years younger. It felt as if I was a 7-year old bratty youngster receiving a gigantic teddy bear from my childhood crush. Okay, admittedly, I blushed. And even though my entire mouth flailed with pain due to the metals on my teeth, I manage to crack a smile. NOw, spell SUH-WEETTT.
,

there's just this one person who could
cast a spell, in the midst of letdowns.

SOMETIMES. . . .

2010-01-10T17:06:00.000-08:00

. . . .things are better left UNSAID.

...and unblogged.

so, this is the part when I say, *HIATUS ON*.
'till I blog again. BYE!

Christmas spirit, Christmas gifts and everything in between.

2009-12-23T16:24:00.000-08:00

As I walked passed across the city streets, I saw rows of trees beautifully hanged with multi-colored Christmas lights. The city hall was rather kaleidoscopic. It was adorned with lights of all sorts. Perhaps after sundown, this place would be of great marvel to walkers by. It suddenly occurred to me that November was fast gone, and by that, Christmas spirit lies looming in the air. I continued my walk and passed by a group of children carrying vivid lanterns. By the time I arrived at the mall, I heard "The Twelve Days of Christmas" on the boombox nearby. Various Christmas items were sold in different stalls inside. On my way to the second floor, I was greeted by a red text on the wall read as "Merry Christmas". I was not surprised to see the stores decorated with spangles the same way the other places were. When I went to one of the stores, the salesman sheepishly smiled and said "Merry Christmas ma'am". I recoiled but managed to smile, returning the favor. Inside were a bunch of people looking for nothing in particular, leaving no stone unturned that they almost ravaged the entire space. I saw 25% and 50% sale signs hanging up above and the people's impetuosity was in no question.

That was weeks ago.

Now, as sit I here dwelling upon strain memories I had in days like this, I can't help but compare.

I remember when I was 7, I would earnestly stay up 'till midnight to wait for dearest Santa for my present. I would go from my ninongs' and ninangs' houses the very awaited day, collect my Christmas gifts and hope it would be a barbie doll or anything pink. When I was 11, I would play dress-up after receiving clothes and accessories. At 12, I wished for nothing but to unwrap a gigantic gift that would have my prince charming inside. I wished for endless nights to meet someone like Christopher Rupert from the broadway play Cinderella. I would daydream of dancing with him on Christmas Eve and spend all day walking on a park with hands held together on the 25th. By the time I was 13, I finally met him. No, not Christopher Rupert, but someone way better than just an ideal prince charming icon. At 14, in addition to my wish of having him to spend my Christmas with, I would hope to see piles of books when I unwrap my presents. I told my ninongs and ninangs in advance that I would want books for Christmas, even.

I shrink away from my thoughts. Gifts under the Christmas tree were growing piles since the first week of the 12th month. Today is the 24th day of December. And among the piles and piles of presents under the Christmas tree, unlike years back, no card seems to bear my name. I wish I can go back to the yesteryears and demand for gifts like a bratty seven-year-old girl. No, not anymore jobel, I reminded myself. Those years are long gone. I couldn't just expect a number of presents for me at this age. Perhaps a few, but not like before.

I know Christmas is not all about having to receive gifts, having to eat delicious foods and having to go to distant places. I know. As cliche as it sounds the question "what really is Christmas?" still clings unto my mind, waiting to be answered.

Today, I start my search- search that will unravel the day Christ was born and anything that revolves around it. No, not the research type where I'll search from the internet and get the answers flashed before me in a matter of seconds. It's more of a quest - a quest that will let me realize the deepest gist of the holidays step by step.

And here, I put on my best shoes and start my journey.

before class this year ends. . .

2009-12-17T16:42:00.000-08:00

. . .fate fails me again.

What supposed to be the last day of class this year turned out not to be the last at all. And RLE should be blamed!

While everyone else is tampering off, lying on their couch, tepefying their butts whilst watching PBB Double Up, I sit here in front of the computer set, rubbernecking on bed making videos in Youtube. Eat that.

How can our clinical intructors be this inconsiderate? How can day draw on a GRADED demo in the midst of the Christmas break? How?!

I'll keep my mouth shut and keep my grudges lingered in this post, before my demeanor will be in question. (chill, jobel. one more day left. one more day. . .)

cheers to irony and midnight bummer!

2009-12-14T07:10:00.000-08:00

Pardon my month-long absence. I couldn't find any enthusiasm in blogging lately. And I don't know why. Perhaps I'm too much preoccupied with school works, or maybe because I was just too lazy to think of what my next entry will be. Either way, I am now getting used to having hiatus in the blogging world every now and then. *I hope this won't affect my writing skills.* yayks.

Bare with me. I still do have a life aside from this incongruous cyberworld. Okay, now I'm getting ironical.

The second-hand ticks. It's an hour before midnight people! And my class starts 7 AM on the dot. And I'm still halfway done with my laboratory output. And this is due tomorrow. And I'm stuck with this blog entry. And I have no idea why I'm actually wasting my time with this. Gahhd, have I mentioned about me losing fad to blogging?

Now, this is me working against the clock. nonsensical.

I wonder if stress is literally tangible and concrete. . .

2009-11-09T01:05:00.000-08:00

Because the very moment I laid my first footstep on the school grounds, a twinge of force suddenly jostled onto me, as if a voice from the inside was groaning, breathing heavily and saying "DAAAMMMMMNNN".

I struggled my way towards the class room, trying not to be disturbed by the apparent bummer. It was, after all, the first day of the 2nd semester.

Sure, we had three-week long semestral break after the detestable finals. The point is, was the break even long enough? The days when we should have been at home hanging loose were spent in school waiting for our unsympathetic professors for our cards. We even sacrificed most of the days for the signing of clearance. And the days when we should have been savoring the remaining moments were as good as a hogwash since it was squandered for our enrollment.

Hello school. Hello stress. Hello eyebugs!

Damn.

. . . pardon the acerbity

last entry for this day, swear!

2009-10-26T19:48:00.000-07:00

*later!

chapfallen.

2009-10-26T19:33:00.000-07:00

My brain is currently jam-packed with random strain ideas that make me wanna B L O G more.
On the second thought, why should I?

WHO CARES, anyway?

cause yesterday was a great day.

2009-10-26T18:13:00.000-07:00

OCTOBER 26, 2009

I need not to get into the details. What matters most is how great the day before this day was. 'twas B E Y O N D W O R D S.

Let's leave that as it is.

hail for the time that was wasted.

2009-10-26T17:57:00.000-07:00

Yesternight I was reading yet another novel and I was THISCLOSE to finishing it. Just then a single thought came flashing over me, "hey Jobel give yourself a break. Why don't you play Frozen Throne first, and continue a lil bit later". And so I did. Hours passed, I went back to my now-impatient book.

I COULDN'T FINISH IT. For heaven's sake, I couldn't. I got all hypnotic. I began longing for my bed to drowse off.

LE SIGH. LE GRANDE SIGH.

NO, scratch that. LE FU.

And I'm back.

2009-10-20T03:46:00.000-07:00

I'm back. I'm stressed. I'm overdosed. And caffeine-na-ted.

This day marks another milestone. With curtsy I announce to you, my dear blog-hoppers, I, Jobel Fernandez, surpassed the first semester of my first year in college! Don't I deserve a round of applause? Now, don't be a brick wall. Just put your hands together, will you?

Honestly, I didn't know how it is to study for the finals 'the college way', so to speak. I was like a fish out of water. I've been drowning myself with books and hand-outs the entire week, I had no time blogging- just enough to log in to my facebook and plurk accounts. I've been having four hours of sleep just so I can read my notes, after splurging my time either talking over the phone or surfing the net. I've been through tenterhooks to survive and now, I say, I DID!

In the midst of which seem to be a petrifying mental torture, I found yet another bestfriend. Let me introduce to you to. . . (drum rolls, please) my dearest café au lait. And as Filipinos would have it, my very own "KAPE". I find solace by his mere presence. And when I get a whiff of his mouthwatering aroma, (hmmmm. . .) I couldn't help but have a screw loose.

I've been consuming 3-4 cups of coffee a day. To my surprise, it worked. In fact, it overworked, if you know what I mean. It did help me in times when I needed a lot of urge not to fall in a deep slumber. As the saying goes, "too much of everything isn't good". My heartbeat rose to an incredible rate. I had quite a few incidence of gastrointestinal problems and muscle tremors. It was just recently that I found out how too much caffeine affected my frail system. And it all happened amidst the hell-est week of all. Just great.

On the brighter note, that week is way over! What could be more relaxing than that?

Oh, SEMBREAK, here I come.
Hooorrrraayyy!

2009-10-06T23:52:00.001-07:00

Hey look, I'm blogging again. Yeyy!

Just a couple of hours ago (the same time when I got to materialize my new post), the rain came flooding the entire city. That would probably throw light upon the topic of my entry. Apparently, the rain had just stopped, just a couple of drizzle now and then.

We were supposed to have our P.E class by now and as usual, it was canceled. I know. Suspension of classes in our school has been prevalent now a days, I could barely feel a twitch of pressure. It's as if I badly need a Heavy Rust Metal Primer for my corroded brain. *sigh.

To get everything worse, hell week is on its way. I should be going over my notes by now. But. . on the second thought, oh well, there's always later. Yeah, I'll say hello to laziness now, and in no time, I'll be a magnet for stupidity. Great.

And until the semester officially comes to a close, no net-surfing till the wee hours of the night for me, which technically means, "goodbye blogging world". . . for now.

In a rockstar fashion(so not me), I shall end this post with a big, epic finish:

*enter epic guitars and drums*

Dun! Dun dun dun! Dun dun dun! Dun dun duuuuun!

[START BLOG HIATUS]

when nature fights back.

2009-10-06T17:30:00.000-07:00

I felt a twinge of guilt I say lay my eyes on this startling photos.

I've been listening to the same news in the past few days, most of which were about people from the lowest bracket of society whose love ones were buried down either by pieces of concretes or by the out-gushing flood. They have not only lost their family members, they've lost their respective homes as well, leaving them with nowhere to live in once the situation becalms. Even the wealthy ones have not been saved by their money. They, too, suffered the same.

Unlike any other cataclysms, natural calamities like this is the most terrifying killers of all. It eradicates countless estates, murders innocent lives and leaves the territory ravaged.

It is, however, a learning time for everyone. It is apparent that what we do to our environment would circle back to us.

I have no intentions of doing a quasi sermon or preaching about nature hullabaloos. The point is, now is the perfect time for us to realize that. . . when nature fights back, it kicks back with brunts twice as STRONG and HARD!

As the song goes, ". .what goes around, comes around. . . "

rain. . announcement. . and disappoinment,

2009-09-22T04:46:00.000-07:00

The rain was cascading arduously on the roofs of every houses in the neighborhood. I was laying on my bed receiving jillion of messages from my friends- all of which were random conclusions that there might be no classes the next day.

The illumination of the laptop beside me was the only light in the midst of my darkened room. As a facebook freak as I was, I managed to log in to my account despite the hypnotic state. Few milliseconds and the same can of worms flashed before my eyes. There I, without a shadow of amazement, saw various posts regarding the weather and the much awaited suspension of classes.

What a weekend, I thought. Four days at home would make my brain dull. . . But who cares. The clock from the bottom right screen said that it was already 11:58pm, two minutes before midnight and I was still up. I turned the laptop off with a sense of redress.

From my room, I could still verily hear the torrent splashing before the floorings outside. I sniffled my pillow and went to sleep with a single anticipation. . . Tomorrow will mark another rest day for me. No lessons to think of. No teachers nugging our brains out. No quizzes to smolder on. Nothingn but rest. . . . or so I thought.

- - - -6 hours later- - - -

My eyelids flashed open with surprise. I could not hear any downpour of water outside. I went out only to see the aftermath of the cat-and-dog weather, but the cloudburst was long gone- no sun yet, but definitely no rain. I imagined how our school would be flooded by now and that, somehow, gave me an ease.

I went back to my bed hoping the rain would reappear in a flash. Minutes passed and all I could hear was the husky voice of the radio announcer and some other woman whose delivery was much like of a principal. I listened more closely and caught snippets of her announcement. ". . . . Regional Science High School. . suspended. . flood. . heavy rain," she was saying. My anticipation turned to a full-scale. Ofcourse, I thought. How could any classes be held when the city is deluged with water.

I almost fell into slumber again until I heard a familiar voice over the radio. The WMSU President, my cognizance told me. I was aware, from that moment, that she would declare suspension of classes in our university, just as expected. She ranted for about a couple of minutes about the current weather situation and its aftereffects and finally pulled the plug with the official pronouncement. My heart stattered to a halt, my entire body froze just when I heard her announcing the contrapositive of what I was apprehending.

I wanted not to attend classes. I wanted to stay at home despite the illogical statement from the president herself. Without the urge to learn more is so not me. That frame of time when all I wanted to do is to lay on my bed savoring the breezy cold day, that instant, I crumbled to oodles of pieces with no other choice but to reassemlble my broken self back again. . or see the foundation of my goal shatter right before me.

Damn.

this might explain my absence.

2009-09-20T19:07:00.001-07:00

To say that I've lost the enthusiasm to blog lately,
would be an understatement.

john grisham. . . i'm in love with you!

2009-09-09T02:08:00.000-07:00

Alas! I'm done reading yet another novel. . . finally!

The story whirls around a vainglorious lawyer Nate O`Riley who has nothing in mind but to fulfill his life's pleasure. For years, he has been an alcoholic, has been a constant visitor of a rehab, has been neglecting his children, their financial needs, even, has been with a couple of divorces, has been snipping cocaine and has been sued for tax evasion. His life has been forlorn, to say the least.

The turning point, however, began when he was assigned to find an unknown heir to one of the richest men in the world.

The billionaire, Troy Phelan, left his marvelous estate to one of his daughters working as a missionary of the World Tribes, not leaving a dime to six of his children from different ex-wives. This thawed controversy all over the globe. His children hired numerous lawyers, trying to contest the last will handwritten by their father.

Meanwhile, Nate's quest resulted to numerous mishaps and crashes. He even suffered from a disease that almost ended his life. He journeyed through darkest parts of Corumba, deep in the Pantanal and across the life-threatening tributaries, only to find out that the woman he was searching for had no interest whatsoever to 11 billion dollar fortune. Both established a great friendship but the heir didn't agree to sign any legal matters of his departed father. Though Nate's probe yielded to nothing but failure, he, nonetheless, was able to grasp the truest essence of his existence.

In the end, Rachelle Lane, the supposed heir, died of Malaria and left a testament, just like her father, leaving the billions to charities and trusts.

simmering down..

2009-09-07T05:11:00.000-07:00

Have I had a hard time going through my schedule? Or Was I just too lazy to materialize a new post?

- - - - - - - -

The week-long palaro has finally hopped its way. In the recent years, this week would mark our nigger days- the kind of days when we roll the carpet through the grandstand and say hello to oodles of melanin brought about by the scorching sun. We would throw our pens and books away and tip our hats to endless fun. We would run along the oval like six-year youngsters. We would go bashing all sorts of food sold at the various stalls. We would spend the entire day worrying nothing. Yes, those were the days, high school days to be particular. I remember spending thrice the amount of my allowance for goodies. I even had to lend some cash to my friends just to survive the whole week.

Now that I've grown up, I feel like I have to endure any mental and financial breakdown that may come my way, and say goodbye to those good old days. Endurance is a good thing, but is stationed way down my list. Having no choice made it possible. And I guess, I have to crawl myself out of this.

Anyhow, I've decided to spend the rest of the remaining days left of this quasi-furlough . . .at home. Give myself time to breathe, prepare myself for another mental havoc then ride out everything that may clock in.

And hopefully. . . I will not fall for another lure.

`cause someday. . . I WILL SHINE!

2009-08-06T06:16:00.000-07:00

Someday. Maybe someday.

- - - - - - - - - -

Sixteen years, I've been living behind the shadows of my parents; sixteen years, I've been known to be no one; sixteen years, I've been one of the crowd, hovering around the streets of which seems to be a pint-sized-slash-crime-oriented city; sixteen years of mediocrity; sixteen years of timidity; sixteen years of temperance. Sixteen years. And I got enough of it.

I'm sick and tired of just sitting around waiting for something up above the sky that would fill my craving hands. But most of all, I'm tired of pushing beyond my limits to seek nothing but the best and yet still remain empty handed.

Every night I sit along the corner of my room with random thoughts plaguing my mind. It was there, in the hidden gloom of my own little world, that I begin to let nostalgia sink me, a vast ocean of dread and loss asphyxiating me down its deepest part. Its current drives me away from reality. Its waves drive me to the near-end boundary of sanity. . .But I've learned to swim.

My high school dream was just a dream no more. I've done it. I've stood triumphantly above the rest. And as expected, this has thawed the people to warmness. They've befriended me, treated me like I was someone. Congratulations was nowhere but everywhere I was. Yet there are still those, the green-eyed ones, questioning my competence. I`d look at them, and I see concoctions of doubt in their eyes, as if wanting to smolder me to doom. I`d look at them, and I can audibly hear the unspoken words in their thoughts. I`d look at them, and it kills me. The sharp edge of their glances has broken a part of me that would never be whole again. No amount of sparkling gold medals, heart-fluttering praises and countless certificates with my name on it could ever patch the wound caused by those who downgraded and belittled me. Graduation Day came, I marched along the gymnasium with a grand entrance, sat with the highest University Officials, received my awards, delivered the valedictory address, but at the end of the day, I ended up. . . unsatisfied.

Six weeks of summer, I've spent it in the University of the Philippines. It was one roller coaster ride, the one that runs 100mi/hour, the one that sets you to nausea, the one that makes you wanna cry and wish you never existed, and the one that brings you to cloud nine, all the same- heaven and hell tangled on Earth. During the ride, I met people, the ones whose brains make you feel yours is like an abacus while theirs are like Windows XP and Vista put together. Everyday was a day of intimidation. I kept my mask straight, not letting them see how much I was browbeaten. Days passed and they showed me how life really is. With no parents, no boyfriend, no maid, I learned to live the dorm life, so to speak- do my laundry, clean my room, arrange my stuffs and the hardest of all, budget my money for six weeks. Six weeks, a limited amount of cash, and a big urbanized city with a lot of malls, for crying out loud! But then, UP`s safe from temptation. It's far away from the city lights and the pipping vehicles. I had no choice but to splurge my time with books, with dorm chores and with newly met friends, day in and day out. Little did I notice, the mask has paved its way down the trash can. I conquered the trial of intimidation, learned a lot and most of all, met life-treasuring friends. Six weeks, it was. And it was time for me to wave goodbye to my dream school, back to my real abode. So, I got home, again. . . .unsatisfied.

And then College came. New life. New beginning. New classmates. New lifestyle. Now it's as if a huge amount of weight is hanging over my shoulders; I have to do my best, not to prove those agnostic ones who once undervalued what I`m capable of, but to be the best that I can be.

This chapter marks another threshold of lengthy paper works, neuron strangling challenges, life-changing lessons and perhaps, another bunch of green-eyed monsters yet to pull me down again. What lies before me is certainly uncertain. It's up to me now. To choose which path I'm taking, to mold the pillars of my life, to be what I want me to be, it's all in my hands. One thing is sure, I won't let anything or anyone get into my way. Come next fortuity, I will get a hang of it and will end up, this time, . . . satisfied.

By SWEAT, and BRAIN, and LUCK,
I will build every inch of my future.

- - - - - - - - - - - -
And someday. . .maybe someday.
I WILL SHINE!

from anomalous JIGSAW to lascivious BRITNEY.

2009-07-24T18:49:00.000-07:00

Upper and lower jaws stretched forcefully apart by a mechanical rig, throat cut by razor-sharp grille, mortified body laid bloodshed and onslaught on a inter-knitted bulb wires, foot amputated by oneself by a corroded saw and trapped victim ripped apart like a nougaty Milky Way- all these and more caused the acids in our stomach to go berserk as we watched SAW 1 and 4.

Bored as we were, my friends and I tripped around Mariel's house looking for something crazy to do. The DVDs laid across the desk caught our attention. "Romantic movies, cartoons, fiction, horror", I scanned. . "Wait", Horror. My eyes searched for something worth-to-be-watched. . until. "woaa. SAW!". So we were like, "It's effin gross!" and stuff. Others pinpointed the DVD with Britney Spears's face on it. But in the end, the blood thirst of those in favor of SAW prevailed.

So the whole time, everyone of us was screaming to the top of our lungs, hiding our faces behind the pillows and giggling at those whose mouths fell open.

Silence. Wrapped eyes. Trembling hands. Covered mouths as if a gulp of undigested foods is about to bowl out. I tried to read the emotions as their attention directed to the TV screen. Afraid. Terrified. Horrified. Aghast. And then my eyes flew to where DJ was sitting. His facial expression differed. Definitely wanting for more. What a psychopath.

not for the fainthearted.

All in all, the movie is a WOW! Not that I love how the blood shrieked out of the victims' bodies. because honestly, it was as if every cell in my body was razed to ash the whole time. It`s just that, there were a lot of twists that made us jump to erroneous conclusions. Aside from the jump-out-of-the-couch moments, we were also guessing and arguing as to what or who really was behind all those lethargic games. Saw's writer Leigh Whannel is, well, morality aside, a pure genius. I wonder how much impact it`ll have to fans if it was written on books.

The blood, slaughtered physique and all those puke-inducing stuffs still lingered on our thoughts even after the movie. So we let Britney Spears purged out our memory of the doctor's amputated foot and Adam's ravaged body with her "Hit me baby one more time" and "Oops, I did it again" music videos. Fright was way down the list right now. We kept our focus straight to Britney. We watched a lot of Britney's music videos, from the so-demure-looking to one-intrusive-b*tch Britney.

I used to adore her, I must admit. But through time, I was all the more hooked up to boy bands, eloquent authors and vampire (if you what I mean) letting Britney slip out of the way. But just then, thanks to Mariel, my wow-it's-Britney side was rekindled.

And forever will that memory be emotionally involved with a song.

2009-07-22T00:51:00.000-07:00

There's this one particular thing about me; I often plunk down songs to certain standpoints of my life, from melodramatic to insanely surreal circumstances. It's as if an iPod shuffle was sealed in the little zones of my brain, putting itself in gear automatically before one situation flashes in an instant.

I heard High School Life by Sharon Cuneta just right after our Commencement Exercises. Get Up by Superchicks would have its flying start whenever I get low scores. Don't Stop the Music was playing on my head when we were on the dance floor during our Prom. And when he wraps his arms around my waist, my heart beats to fourth gear having No one Else Comes Close as our background song. It seems like I'm unconsciously assigning songs in my mind. And everything just becomes clearer and worth-remembering because of a song.

Last Sunday was supposed to be one of the most heart-fluttering days with the man whose heart I own. A guy, a girl, meat and cheese overloaded pizza, rain heavily pouring outside, true love that surpasses everyone else's - what could be cheesier than that? And yet, the iPod inside my head failed me. It went dead. No epic piano riffs, no goosebump-inducing chorus, no melancholic final chord. Nothing. Just the noise of the people around us, and the constant nagging of the voice inside my head.

I was lost for notes. I was all the more lost for words. It was so hard to turn our theme song to a cue. I was struggling; what to say, what to do, what to feel. That one moment where I needed a song, that instant- I fell apart.

..
Later did I realize. . It's not the song that counts; not the lyrics, nor the melody. Come to think of it, that moment was way too perfect that no existing song can match it up.

Let's not be cynical this time, shall we?

b`cause everyone around me is freaking old.

2009-07-14T20:34:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the 14th day of July. And it was Eurice's Birthday. Two days ago was of my grandma's. Four days before that was Gerard's. And three days after this day will be Al-Nherick's.

Hell, why`s everybody getting old these days? Apparently, I feel like I'm left behind, frozen in time, in the same old 16-year-old frame. Crap! Not that I would die to be old and stuff. The point is, I'm starting to feel like I'm the only toddler left, in a group where everyone else is growing up, literally and figuratively at that.

the supposed english homework turned blog entry. .

2009-07-09T05:22:00.000-07:00

As the fresh batch of students this school year drops the anchor at the university premises, the unheard rules and regulations and other important school matters are in great need to be divulged.

* * * * *

The rays of the sun illuminates from a far as we made our way to the Gymnasium where the freshmen’s orientation would be held. We were taking huge, fast footsteps than usual. My friends and I were worried as to whether or not there would still be enough space for us to lay our butts on for about five hours or so. Our stomachs lurched in a spontaneous pace along the way. My huge sarcastic thanks to our chemistry teacher, because of the quiz she gave us an hour before the program, our class had a little time pigging ourselves for early lunch.

A great number of students welcomed our gaze when we arrived the gym. Color coding was prevalent at the four corners of the place making it easy to distinguish our college from the others. Nursing students were in white; students from the College of Liberal Arts, Engineering and Architecture wore black shirts on; College of Science and Mathematics and College of Home Economic students were in green and others wore yellow shirts and the like. We sat at the far end corner of the right bleacher along with other future nurses.

The orientation began with a blast as the students roared the gymnasium with ear-piercing yells. Others were waving their streamers in the air as if scowling at other people whose course isn’t the same as theirs. A couple of student leaders spoke, beating the drums for their respective university organizations. The speaker whom I was inspired the most was that from the WMSU League of Debaters. Articulate and lucid that he was, he caught everyone’s attention just when everything else seemed boring. His speech ended and the crowd began their chit-chats again.

I never thought that the orientation hadn’t officially started yet before the doxology came to pass. It was past 1pm now and the choir was still singing the Nation Anthem.

There was a sudden attack of boredom. I felt like a third person watching. My mind was somewhere else, wandering through stray memories and things to do. I could only catch snippets of what the university president Dr. Grace Rebollos was saying- something about the future, about graduation four years from now, our graduation. I guess.

After an hour of letting my mind wander through nothingness, my former classmate and I went down from where we were sitting to feed our grumbling stomachs. The music suddenly had its flying start. We rushed back to our seats up the bleachers. It was the Crimson Beat, stupefying the 3,500 capacity gymnasium. They are, hands down, pure awesome! I stood there- froze with amazement.

Just when the program was at its final stage, there was an electricity black-out. It was like a hell inside, worsen by the number of people occupying the place. I still thank ZAMCELCO for not turning the current off when the Crimson Beat was at the center stage. It was just the part I’ve been thrilled to see.

At the end of the day, the Freshmen Orientation hadn’t successfully racked up, well, at least for me. I still hadn’t grasped the gist of the said affair because of frequent distractions like the black-out, plus the inaudible sound system.

I would have had a better write-up or however you may call it, if only I bury the distractions to oblivion and listened to the speakers attentively. Nevertheless, lesson learned: never let the negative vibes ruin the moment.

i'm experiencing writer's block, so bear with the format.

2009-07-08T07:33:00.000-07:00

HAPPY 17th BIRTHDAY OTIK!

Yes, you read it right people. My oh-so-loving boyfriend turns 17 this very day. He was with me a couple of hours ago. We spent the entire night watching DRAG ME TO HELL. And odd as it may seem, the birthday celebrant and his girlfriend ate fried fish for dinner. The funny thing is, both of us are having colds and we had to *sniff-sniff* every second or so, which made the movie time a bit awkward and fun all the same.

VIRUS ATTACK.

2009-07-05T04:34:00.000-07:00

It's all over the news; The infamous A(H1N1) spreads its petrifying wings all the way to the Philippines, affecting hundreds of innocent citizens who get in touch with its veil.

Weeks ago, I was not edgy about this issue. I was going in and out of our house without a single presentiment on whether or not I'd be in contact of any person having the virus at one way or the other. And then just recently, a sharp twinge of fear came rushing through my spine as I was watching the ominous news. The virus reached its way to the city. Our city! Uh-oh..

come sweeten days.

2009-06-19T17:02:00.000-07:00

It's funny how I've only been in College for a week and yet everything seems to be just normal, like everything`s just like the way it used to be. Is it because I've been having way too much fun? or is it because I've been so much busy to notice? Either way though, I'm happy to have had adjusted to my new life.

This week marks the beginning of my hell life as I take a step closer to the fountain of my dreams. I guess the last part doesn't stand firm when you look at it in a perspective quite bizarre, since the course that I'm taking up isn't related to what I really wanted to be, in any way. Nonetheless, I'm not in any regret of my decisions. I've made up my mind the day before I enrolled and I must stick with it, whether I like it or not.

----------------------------

And so in the past few days, I'd been living my life the way every average college student would. It hadn't been quite as hell as I expected it to be, though. Perhaps it's because it was still the alpha of the yet to be hell.

Last Thursday, we've elected our TFN officers. I guess, it's because of my pre-college pessimism-slash-cynicism that made me force my classmates not to vote for me as their VP. It's quite abhorrent telling them these words, "for this class's sake, please don't vote for me because I don't think I can handle this kind of position". I should have explained why but I found it uncomfortable when everyone was gazing at me and so I left my side unexplained.

However, just yesterday, the election of level1 officers in our department was conducted and I was chosen as the batch auditor. The absurd part is that, I was not even supposed to be nomited since I'm not one of the class officers. But hands were raised, votes were counted and now I'm doomed. I'm not really certain if I`ll still be in service for the next few months. In the end, it was only our class president Arnijude and I from our class who were fortunate enough to make it in the chosen few. I don't know. But the idea frightens me since I still would want to join a lot of university organizations like the University Digest, Blazer, Supreme Red Cross Youth Council and others. And with much responsibility at hand, I'm sure that it`ll be one hell of a semester because I must also maintain an average of 1.25. The horror!

AKO MISMO`ng magsisimula ng pagbabago,

2009-06-11T19:22:00.000-07:00

Because the revolution will not be televised,
but B L O G G E D.

Guess what. I've joined the AKO MISMO campaign!

I took part in this campaign, not merely because the advertisement was beautifully made and because it featured well-known celebrities and the like, but because I, too, want change to transpire in what seems to be a hopeless and ill-fated THIRD WORLD COUNTRY we hang our hats it.

It is the objective of this genuine movement to enlighten every Filipinos' minds, to give them the lowdown of their responsibilities, to fire their egos with enthusiasm to be proud of who they really are and to unite each and every Filipinos for a single goal. Let's name this mission. CHANGE.

It's not about blaming the politicians for whatsoever catastrophe our country is in. They are a bit part of this whole mess, though. But the point is, we, the commoners, should do something too. And not just heat up our butts and bloat our tummies while watching melancholic news on TV doing nothing. Pathetic. Simply pathetic.

Why be indolent if you can do something?
Why be worthless if you can be of great value?
Why keep your insights if you can bespeak it out?
Why sit there and wait for change to take place if you can start it yourself?
Come to think of it.

Today, I choose to bury my sardonic self. Today, I choose to do my duty. Today, I choose to take an action. Today, I choose to bring about change.

i, MYSELF. AKO MISMO.

2009-06-10T19:05:00.000-07:00

HAPPY 38th Monthsary, Payatut!

I can hardly believe we've made it this far. :D
LOVE YOU lots.
*hugs and kisses*

bookworm just got bookwormER.

2009-06-09T17:20:00.000-07:00

After a long hiatus of reading Stephenie Meyer`s The Host, Alas! I'm finally done. I was actually about to finish the novel since last month but due to summer classes, I wasn't able to.

In our english class in UP, however, we were tasked to read a novel for our book review which will be submitted in just two weeks time. The Host was the first thing that sprung onto my mind, since I've started reading it already. But considering the fact that it has like 619 pages, I was left with no choice but to dash to nearest bookstore to go in quest for a worth-reading and not-so-time-consuming book all the same. And I guess my one hour seach for the perfect novel, was worth it. Sophie Kinsella`s Can You Keep a Secret was a good catch!

All in all, I've read two novels this summer (textbooks, encyclopedia, and other reading materials excluded)! I know, I know. Two books in two months isn't good enough. But hell, I, too, have a life you know. Basically, having a book fun and a non-book fun are two different things. If you know what I mean. :D

*later.

Show me the books he loves and
I shall know the man
far better than through
mortal friends.
-Dawn Adams-

could you blame me if i`m being hysterical?

2009-06-09T05:52:00.000-07:00

It's the time of the year which I've been waiting and fearing all the same. It's the moment when new paths unravel, new episodes begin, new chapters unfold- it's the dawn of a different era. It's COLLEGE!

As much as I wouldn't want to, I`ll be in college this school year. Don't blame me if I hate the idea of being a college student. I have all the reason to do so. First things first, I hate the super long hours in between classes. I don't want to be left with nothing to do inside the premises of my school. I hate not being preoccupied. I was used to this word- Pressure! Odd as it may seem, but I would want to keep myself busy. More so, I hate the no-uniform day famously termed as "wash day". I hate walking a couple of meters just to go to my next class. I hate the crimson pants and white blouse I would have to wear for four years. I hate. . . . I hate. . . Why can't I think of anything else I hate about this crap? I'm sure I got tons of them stuck in the deepest corner of my head. Why? Arghs. I hate everything!

I would have loved it more if I`ll be studying in my dream school, not in the same old University I`ve been educating myself in to for TEN YEARS! Oh, crap!

I want to stop time. Freeze the tick of the clock as it is. And shuffle the minute-hand counterclockwise. But I could not. I'm not blessed with such out-of-this-world power. ~~Damnit.~~

One of the great mind destroyers of
college education is the belief tha
if it's very complex, it's very profound.

don't go summer, oh please don't go.

2009-06-04T04:48:00.000-07:00

Ah, SUMMER, what power you have to make us suffer and like it!

To say that I had a lot of fun this summer would be an understatement.

The UP experience was a blast. A lot of regrets arouse, though. Before my flight to Davao, I decided not to pursue my studies in my dream school. When I got there, it was as if I wouldn't want to go back home, as if I wouldn't want to let go of what used to be a pie in the sky. Several weeks passed. I got over-fatigued. I suffered from homesickness. I missed my not-so-nerdy and so-thick-faced friends, my you-can-do-it and i`ll-support-whatever-your-decision-is boyfriend, my ate,-my-pasalubong-huh brother and my hey-jobel-study-hard parents. And so, I came back. BULLSH*T!

Just a while ago, Otik and I finished watching BOYS OVER FLOWERS! Yes, people. Thanks to his ever-loving girlfriend, Gerard Francis D. Santos got hooked up over the infamous F4 (Korean Version). We spent a couple of days trying to finish the entire episodes of which seemed to be the talk of the town recently.

And at times when we had enough of that freaking show, we spent our time strolling around the city-streets with our hands tightly twined together. Now tell me what's a better way to spend the last days of summer than to be with the one you love without anything in mind but to savor every minute he`s with you.

---------------------------

This year`s summer's guhh-reat. No sarcasm this time. Oh, summer! I wish you could stay. I don't wanna go to school. No, not just yet. I'm nowhere near ready to be in school. Not this time.

..
Oh, that reminds me. I'll be in college this school year. Yayyks, the horror!

when everything seems to be like movies.

2009-05-21T07:14:00.000-07:00

and when everything seems to be great. . . you just want to screech and clamor how great life is!

I could barely think of the right words to probably put in plane English how everything is. It's fascinating. It's astounding. It's fantastical. It's phenomenal. It's . . . . It's. . . . . It's. . . . .
It's la la la L O V E.

If given the chance, I would rather choose not to sleep at night. . .

because having you here,
my L I F E is way B E T T E R
than a D R E A M.

regrets.

2009-05-19T05:45:00.000-07:00

.............while in UP

x. I should have mingled with the rest of the people I stayed with under one roof.
--Do you know how it feels when way back home everyone knows you, everyone gets to say 'hi Jobel' and stuffs like that and then suddenly, you're in a place where you seem to be a nobody? It's pathetic, I guess. My first day in UP was a culture shock, literally. But you know, I learned to rub shoulders with my companions and eventually made friends. Yet at times, I felt it's still not cut our for. I guess it's not enough that I made friends. I guess I must have had worth to be cherished memories with the rest of my dorm mates and not just my closest friends.

x. I should have been more serious about learning bisaya.
-- I can hardly speak and understand such dialect. I tried to. But I failed. More often than not, it was them who spoke tagalog so I could get the message. Ohhhh, shame!

x. I should have not eaten too much rice during dinner.
-- because. because. Arrrg. Ok. I've gained weight. I thought I would be able to get all the fats out of my system during my stay in UP but it didn't turn out the way I expected. It just got worse. Should I blame my taste buds if the food was a total yum-yumm? Plus, it cost next to nothing. How great is that?

x. I should have taken more pictures with my friends.
--Camwhoring, that is. But because we spent half of our time dipping into books, my 8GB memory card wasn't jammed-pack with pictures. Sadly though, I left my cam at my tito's house in Davao before my departure. Yeah, what a total bullsh*t!

x. I should have listened to my physics professor more instead of scribbling nonsense on my notes.
-- Everyone knows how I love physics. Ok, perhaps not everyone. But the point is, I LOVE PHYSICS. But the way our physics professor taught us was oh-so-lame; it made me sick. No, not just me. The entire class. He has the brain. I couldn't argue with that. But teaching wise, puhhleeeassse. It's like 'heyy sir, what the hell are you talking about?'

x. I should have brought my own electric fan and other necessities to the dorm.
--When I saw our room in the dormitory for the first time, I was already paranoid. There were four cabinets, one long wooden study table, one electric fan and two double-deck beds. Oh my G, who could have survived in such a place? As paranoid as I was, my dormate bought herself her own fan. So did I. But before that, I still had to let my mom (who was with me on my first night and flew back home the next day) go to the mall and buy the must-haves.

x. I should have gone shopping during weekends more often.
--Whenever my friends and I go out, there's only one thing I've kept on thinking about-BUDGET BUDGET BUDGET! And now that I'm back, I've just realized how too scant my stuffs are.

x. I should have not bought that orange dress in a not-so-well-known boutique.
--Later did I find out that it has a rip at its side. Curse that saleslady! Damnnit!

x. I should have left my unnecessary things at the dorm just so I wouldn't have to pay 600.oo for my excess baggage.
--Things such as the electric fan, hangers, dipper and the likes made me splurge my money at the airpost prior my flight. Arrgh. It would have been better if I spent it with books!

..............Macy

x. I should have gone with her to the salon so we could have had changed our hair-dos.
--Basically, we were both planning to cut our hair short for a new look. But we would often end up window shopping in different boutiques rather than in a salon.

x. I should have given her something more worth-giving.
--I've written her a letter and the rest of the gang. Sad to say, she was the only one who had the chance to reply. I handed her my brown shorts and as a return she gave me her newly-bought green Abercrombie shirt as a remembrance. I was like, "uhhhhhh isn't this expensive?" ;')

.............Darlene

x. I should have given her a finer jacket as a remembrance.
--So I left my grey jacket with her. But I still wish I left something better than just an overused coat.

x. I should have hugged her tighter when I was about to leave.
--The time I was going to be fetched by my uncle, she and Trisha were out to attend mass. They were in a hurry so I only hugged her for a second or two then waved my last goodbye. *sigh.

................Patrick

x. I should have oozed all my remorse out the night before my flight.
--The psychosocial tour marked the beginning of the end of my stay in UP. For all I knew, we would get a kick out of that day. But it was the flip-side of what happened. There were things that went astray. And the situation grew more complicated. That night, I should have expressed how I felt. But as fate would have it, I didn't have enough courage to confront all of them. Ohh, crap!

.................Kyle

x. I should have not teased him 'carabao'.
--So we are friends. But that doesn't give me the right to beleguer him in any way possible. Much more infront of numerous people. Amen............ I still had fun doing it, though. ;p

...............Nassefh

x. I should have sang the song he let me sing the night when we were strolling around.
--But the thing is, my voice is way too horrible. And perhaps doing the favor would just ruin the moment.

x. I should have greeted him personally during his birthday
--Because I left UP six days before his special day. It never came up to me that our group would not be complete that day. How sad :(

greatest REGRETS.

x. I SHOULD HAVE NOT LEFT U.P AFTER ALL.
x. I SHOULD HAVE FORCED MY DAD TO LET ME STUDY THERE.
x. I SHOULD HAVE HAD ENOUGH GUTS TO LIVE INDEPENDENTLY.
x. I SHOULD HAVE NOT LET GO OF THE DREAM WHICH I'VE BEEN YEARNING TO FULFILL FOR AGES.

I SHOULD HAVE. .

. . . . . but i have NOT.

Mistakes are sometimes,
the best memories!

wretched

2009-05-19T05:22:00.000-07:00

"hey world! I'm alone
and everyone else doesn't seem to care."

summer's antithesis.

2009-05-19T01:21:00.000-07:00

Two months ago, I already fancied how I`d look like with sunglasses and intensely hued get-up on with a cold drink at hand at the pearliest white-sand beach ever existed. I foresaw how I`d hear the birds chirping from a near distance, how I`d get an earful of the sound of the waves braking over the sand and how I`d enjoy the view of the ocean stretching to the horizon with various shades of blue.

BUT..

It has been a month and the illusion I once had still remains the way it was- an illusion. Since I was back from summer classes in UP, never did I have the chance to explore the scorching hot beaches waiting for me. And I blame it all to the shivery weather that has been apparent from the time of my departure.

I could not even wear my flip-flops without the worries of my feet being tarnished and stained by mud. Plus, the need to wear jackets and worse those oh-so-lame raincoats. Oh, goodness gracious!

..

Now, it's starting to rain again! Great. Just great!

sudden attack of dysphoria

2009-05-13T17:22:00.000-07:00

Do you know how it feels like when at one point you want to bring back the times when you were in a perfect place you've dreamed of all your life? Do you know how hard it is to cut loose of the passion you've been wanting to kindle all these years just because of certain circumstances? Do you know how painful it is to leave the people whom you've been so closed to and whom you've shared life-changing memories with? And if you do, I guess you can shoot the breeze out of whatever dilemma I'm feeling right now.

What I'm trying to say is that, I'm back- back from University of the Philippines. I'm back for reasons not reasonable enough to let go of my life-long dream. I'm back and it kills me. The pain is overpowering my entire system as I realize I was a step closer to the fountain of my flight of fancy. But I abdicated everything. More than that is the agony of not being with the nerds I'm proud to call my friends. Now I'm left with nothing but regrets.

I have no idea when I`ll be going back. U.P has been my abode for quite some time. And as I sit here reminiscing the hell days we've gone through, I can't help but let droplets of tears fall across my cheeks.

It was a rough start, I must admit. The first night of my stay in the dormitory was nothing but hell. I could barely understand their dialect. I could not relate to what their talking about since I was the only student from our city. And all the rest are from nearby provinces. Plus, I know no one. All faces seemed strange and foreign.

One night passed and at the break of the day, I knew there was something that awaits me. I stepped out of the dorm alone while everyone else was out in groups. Yet I managed to walk along the beaten path trying to conjure a smile on my face. Just when I was starting to lose hope, I met MACY. At a glance, I remembered she was my roommate. She was wearing eyeglasses which made me thought she`s a total nerd. As our conversation grew longer, I realized she`s not that geek after all. When we were inside the cafeteria, Macy called on a guy who, just like her, wore eyeglasses. His name's KYLE. He stands 3 inches taller than me and talks in a timid manner. Later did I find out that the shy-type guy was a buffoon. After breakfast, the three of us went to our respective classrooms for our first diagnostic exam. Yes, my first day in U.P was an exam-filled day. After which, we met PATRICK. He's a bit taller than Kyle and much taller than Macy and I, of course. Before the day came into close, we bought ourselves U.P slings and jackets which were sold exclusively for students in the said university and the likes. The next day, pat introduced a petite girl named DARLENE. Her hair outstood the rest because of its cute curls at the end. We walked along the corridors, to the atrium and the corners of the CHSS Building. When we were going back to the dormitory, we met NASSEFH. He sleeps in the same room as Kyle and Patrick. The six of us continued to walk around the university premises. And from that moment, I knew that it would be the start of a great friendship.

---------------

--------------

I never thought that in a few weeks time, my life would metamorphose into something stupendous. I learned to do my laundry every weekends; I cracked numerous books in a matter of days; I got down pat with talking in front of the crowd; I met new friends from different walks of life and to cut the story short, I became a better person at one way or the other. And everything that I've become, I owe to my closest UP friends and mentors. They were the ones who took me out of my shell so I could explore the real world.

As I lay back on my seat and savor the taste of my milk, I remember the days when I used to drink the same milk with them. As I see the books lying on the desk, I recall the nights when we used to read them together. As I view the pictures taken, I can't help but reminisce the good times we had.

And everything ends up to this, I MISS THEM! I MISS U.P, my dream school, my refuge, I MISS EVERYONE! I MISS EVERYTHING!

There is no distance
too far between friends,
for friendship gives
wings to the hear

summer!!!

2009-04-10T05:35:00.000-07:00

Obviously the nippy weather is long gone. My body is back to sweating after taking merely ten steps out in the sunshine. And I'm sure it'll be much worse once the onslaught of summer arrives.

It's pretty exciting how I imagine myself wearing those sexy two-piece I've bought for myself, stepping on those colorful flip-flops my mother gave me and enjoying all day long at those freaking hot beaches this summer. But on the second thought, How can I? How can I enjoy the scorching heat that this season may bring if I`ll be spending six hell weeks in U.P? Ugh.

Nonetheless, the dream of studying in U.P is far beyond my grasp as of now, considering the fact that my dad did not allow me to enroll in universities far from my dearest abode. And this brings me to one last option: fulfill my dream by joining the Summer Bridge Program offered to all UPCAT passers.

Should I be happy because I`ll be in my dream school? Or should I frown myself to death because I can't take pleasure in whatsoever under-the-sun activities the entire summer?

an open letter.

2009-04-05T08:02:00.000-07:00

Dear bloghoppers,

Greetings!

I am pleased to inform you that I will be leaving the city next week for Davao. I will be attending the University of the Philippines Summer Bridge Program from the 13th of April to 22nd day of May two thousand nine.

In connection to this, I would like to wave my advance farewell to all of you for I might not be able to blog for a month or so. However, I will do my best to go online and upload tons of pictures to keep you updated if given the time.

God Bless!

Very Truly Yours,

what lies ahead.

2009-03-22T05:58:00.000-07:00

Before me lies hundreds of tomorrows waiting to be discovered and ventured upon.

...................................

A few days ago, I was on the last sentence of the end of a chapter, on the
bridge or coda of a song, on the ending montage of scenes in an episode, or the
final act before the credits. I was sitting on the line between the end and
a new beginning, I could feel something new unfolding before my very eyes.
I was almost there and my heart is nothing but ready to see what the world
has in store for me.

Days have passed and now I am about to come out of my shell which served as my abode for quite a few years, and explore the real world I've been wanting to see in a much realistic view. Now more than ever, I feel so much overjoyed not because I`m bringing the highest title a high school graduate could ever have but because I'm getting a step closer to the fountain where my dreams lie.

And though it has been so apparent that I've conquered the trial of lengthy paperworks and stressful lessons during my high school years, I still do not have enough courage to bid goodbye to all those bitter-sweet memories I've shared with my HS pals. And though I've not shown my true emotions in public, I've spent countless nights sleeping on a pillow wet by tears.

I`ll miss you CLASSMATES, FRIENDS and OTHERS...

For ten years, WMSU has been my comfort zone and as cliche as it sounds, it's my home away from home. I probably spend more time here than at home considering our usual Saturday school works and late dismissals. I know of no other school that I can call myself an alumna of

than this university. Except UP, ofcourse.

In two months or so, I`ll no longer have my fixed schedule the way we all had during our high school. And so the big question is: Am I ready? Honestly, I know nothing about what's outside the walls of our school. Sure, I can commute to and from our house, town, gerard's house and other nearby places, but can I really handle it all on my own? I've always felt sure of myself when I go out thinking that I'm all grown-up but in reality, I'm really still an inexperienced newbie.

I am nothing compared to the thousands of people outthere, journying the streets of Zamboanga.

But then again, I'm dying to see the world out there. WMSU has been my cocoon, taking me in as a young caterpillar, and now I'm ready to soar like the butterfly that I am. I can't wait.

rascals on the loose.

2009-03-16T08:28:00.000-07:00

I told you I`d break rules. Look.

I even brought a bunch of comrades with me, just in case I`d get caught.

Might as well enjoy my last days in high school, right? And this was just one of those breaking-the-rule stuffs we've done. I`ll post more soon.

The principal will not suspend a valedictorian for jumping over the fence, anyway.

Or will he?
YAYKS.

seven days..

2009-03-11T02:52:00.000-07:00

Seven days.

It may sound flashy for it reminds me of PONDs Age Defying Cream's promise. It may as well sound scary because it stirs up my memory of Sadako's curse.

Anyway, the whole point is, seven days from now, I may not get to wear my crimson skirt and tie again with the letters W-M-S-U patched on it; seven days from now, I may not be able to be with my nerd-mates, schoolmates and the rest of the high school family; seven days from now, I'll have to bid the portals of my Alma Mater goodbye and seven days from now will finally mark the end of my high school life.

A concoction of emotions takes me by storm as I sit in front of the monitor and realize that the week that lies before me would be the last days of my High School. I don't know if it's enthusiasm or dolefulness which fritters through my spine as of the moment. What is clear to me either way is that, never would I want to spoil the remaining days and put them into trash. I really hanker to savor the last fragments of my secondary life-- take legion of snapshots of my friends and I, have limitless chitchats with the seniors even with those I'm not close to, run along the parameters of our department like it would be my last, stand in the middle of the campus and feel the wind running through me and JUST BREAK THE RULES. Yes. Break rules, for the first and the last time.

As I take another step further, there's only one question which kept on puzzling me for quite some time now: Where and what to take in College. Ok, there are two. It wasn't much of a secret that UP has been my dream school. Like I`ll trade my soul and stuffs like that just to educate myself in such university. However, recently, it came to me that I could not incur the mental and emotional burden awaiting ahead. Like I said before, it requires great courage for a person to leave his loveones and his dearest abode in his pursuit of achieving his life-long goal. I guess, I do not have enough courage, to say the least. I'd still want to study in UP though. But then again, the time is not yet apt. I still have to wait for the time when I finally am ready to pace a huger stepping stone. I`ll never be contented in a four-year course, anyway. Perhaps, I`ll take Medicine, Law or anything that could satisfy my thirst for more.

So have I answered your querries, my dear blog-hoppers? I'm not going to UP. As of now.

..................

Is that how an incoming college student
should look like?

I guess not. But, whatever!

number one addiction.

2009-03-04T00:44:00.000-08:00

My mom often says there's nothing else as peaceful as reading books. And I must agree to that. I guess I inherited the passion for books from her- my father is the total opposite. He hates books; he seldom reads one. And by that, I meant close to never.

I remember reading novels as a child. I could hardly understand the definition of most words neither do I comprehend the entire scheme of the story. It wasn't much of a hindrance, though. My mom never failed to urge me to read books that she would even give me whatever reward of my liking.

The turning point began in the early years of my high school. Rewards of any kind started to matter no more. I read books because I wanted to, and not because of a new pink purse or latest issue of candy magazine my mom would buy for me.

And now as I explore more complicated pursuits, I find reading even more gratifying. It didn't just enhance my vocabulary, it helped me see things in a different angle as well. I never thought my flight of fancy could go beyond the measure of my imagination. But it did. So now, I enjoy venturing to the fantastic world of vampires, monsters and other fictional characters and traveling to numerous places without the need for passport.

spell FETISH.

2009-03-01T03:15:00.000-08:00

Now, PET SOCIETY is driving me unhinged. It's the fervor for money and material things alike that keeps me hyped.

See, even my boyfriend is suffering from the same craze now.

I've done a lot of internet probes in search for tricks and cheats in such a game already. And guess what. I couldn't find any. Unfortunately, all site that I've stumbled upon talk about the tips rather than cheats. So I guess I'd have to wash my other friends' pets; visit them regularly; give them gifts, race and bet at the stadium so my money and paw points would increase. Now I'm talking about hard work, you guys.

`later.

addiction.

2009-02-28T05:42:00.000-08:00

I feel so bored these past few days. At home, it's either I surf the net or read a book. Boredom still kills me either way. So recently, I signed up in almost every social domains available. And just when I was indulging myself at facebook, I got wind of something new to bash out my doldrums. It's the . . . . . . . . . . *drum rolls. PET SOCIETY. I love it. It kills my time :)

I'm still a newbie, so spare me! I still got tons of things to buy from the store. And I need to adorn my pet's house with a couple of spangles and the likes. Plus I can't get enough of the featured dresses and accessories. But the problem is, I don't have enough accounted money yet. Argh.

So for those who are inflicted with the same disease as mine, go create your facebook account and rush yourself to pet society. You might be addicted too.

2009-02-25T21:00:00.000-08:00

I feel peculiarly strange, as of this moment.

Or lately, for that matter. But isn't it great to know that people truly believe the smile you conjure up in front of them? Isn't it wonderful to think that people at times just think everything's dandy when in fact, its the opposite?

As though I'm in the state of. . . . hey, I wish everything was back to the way it was.

I wish you care enough to unravel the clouds and see beyond what`s presented. Because as we all know it, what you see isn't always what's inside. And you need an extra effort to see the truth that lies behind.

cheers to the yesterdays.

2009-02-25T17:58:00.000-08:00

It's not everyday that I'd wake up in the late hours of the morning and savor the taste of my NIDO with nothing else in mind but to relax. It's a rare contingency, so I guess I have to take this to advantage.

As I hashed over my archive, I noticed how scanty my entries for this month are. February's about to leave my calendar so here's a seemingly flashback featuring this month's episodes..

•February 07, 2009
So that's when delusions kept on nagging me. You know, Fairytale quasi-ending, the same old drama and the likes. Oh, Have I mentioned about heartbreaks? Yeah, it's horrible. I mean, It was.

Spare me, haters. I didn't know my love story would reassemble itself before me in three days time, after I blogged over its end quite a few days ago. So I guess it's best for to kiss goodbye to your desperate dream of having my boyfriend. However, if you would not want to, it's alright then. I'm not the one who looks awfully piteous anyway.

•February 09
Off to Regency for the final rehearsal. Three days `til the much-awaited prom, very much exciting!

•February 12
It's the night of glits and glamour; a momentous occasion where elegance and sophistication alike collide- it's this year's Junior-Senior Promenade.

•February 14
I'm done with heartbreak yet I still hadn't had the perfect valentines for this year. My prince was nowhere beside me. It was my school pals who were there to uplift my wretched day and enlighten every part of my dying facade. See, we even played seesaw with a splurge of Physics Theorems and stuffs like that.

•February 15
It was our late HEARTS DAY special. Unfortunately, we hadn't had any pictures taken that day. Nonetheless, both of us enjoyed walking along the city streets with hands held tightly. We watched couple of movies at home the entire afternoon and went shopping in the grocery with his parents at around five. By the time I arrived home, I got sick. Was it the aftermath of the late celebration of the valentines day? Or was it just the effect of too much euphoria? Either way, my state caused me to be absent from the class next day.

•February 24-25
FINALS!! The top 10% of our batch was scheduled to take the exam earlier than the rest. It's the purpose of such to determine the ranking anytime next week. Oh the horrors!

something to explain my absence.

2009-02-25T02:50:00.000-08:00

I'm BACK.

I've overused the above words already, I know. School is eating up my time, that I could barely find an intimate moment with my dear computer, and rant over the not-so-interesting mishaps occurring and reoccurring in my day-to-day life. I hope you get it. And if in case not, this might help. . . .

Just as when school year began

A few days later
Several weeks after
Many months subsequently

Three days before the final exam
Two days before the final exam
One day before the final exam
During the test proper
Right after the finals

I'm trying to enjoy a stressed-free night, but now, I find myself sitting in front of the monitor blogging over nonsense. Do I make sense? Because apparently, the taxing albatross prior our finals caused my neurons to go berserk.

Nonetheless, it's over now. Gone are those agonizing days when I had to stay awake up to two in the morning just so I could nail down every bits of our lessons. There's no sense on looking back at it now. After all, I barely have a few days left before my high school life officially ends to reminisce on the pressure.

straight to the point.

2009-02-21T07:08:00.000-08:00

to my boyfriend's desperate die-hard fan [?] :

KAME PA, PWEDE BA. KAILAN MAN, AKIN LANG SIYA, KAYA HUWAG KA NANG UMASA NA MAGUGUSTUHAN KA NIYA. . AMBISYOSA!

..........................

Updates are to be posted as soon as I'll have time. goodnight ;)

a glimpse of yesterday.

2009-02-07T01:40:00.000-08:00

As I was about to stand up from the flooring where I've been sitting for hours, a recognizable melody began to play. My muscles suddenly locked into place. I stood frozen for quite some time.

Ten seconds passed and I decided to struggle on the numbness. I sat on the wooden chair stationed in the tail end corner of the room, just so no one would get a load of the scene. I waited for pain to sink my being. It must be coming... any minute now. I could verily feel the impending twinge. I tried hard not to reminisce the good old times with you-know-who, but as fate would have it, it was an arduous undertaking. The tune seemed to hurtle towards my direction and I could not control myself to listen. I was deeply agonized by the lyrics.

"Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose. And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you
and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove. And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you"

It was as if I've been abruptly drenched in a vast expanse of what seems to be a distant past. It was just yesterday though. Yet I can barely feel the bitter-sweet memories we've been through.

I was on the brink of letting my tears explode but I tried hard not to. I would not want to blubber over someone in the first place. I would never let it happen again.

It was roughly three years, I remembered. Three years of fairy tale so to speak. An apparent fairy tale but with no castle, no knights and no fairy godmothers, just my PRINCE CHARMING. He changed my life in ways I never imagined someone could- perhaps, from a hard-hearted and egocentric mortal to a rather well-disposed one. He was the one who has been there for me through good or bad times for ages and I guess he was the closest person in my life then. Even for a long time, my prince never hid the skids in taking care of me. As I walked along the rock-ribbed path of uncertainty, he stood there beside me, guiding me all throughout the way. And at times when I accidently prick on the razor-sharped blades, he would hastily dismount the piece and kiss the pain away. I'd smile back and he would return the favor with a luscious smack.

I could hardly recall the first day we met, the petty squabbles we had, the worth-cherishing moments spent together, the punchlines he used to blab on and the toilsome ordeals we've faced. If only I had enough time and space alike, I'd probably enumerate every chunks of detail I could remember.

My existence have not been that great, long before he came. Every day seemed absurd that it wouldn't matter If I'd be waking up the next day or so. It was a night with no moon and a day with no sun. But he came like a meteor flashing before me. Suddenly, my days were colorful and everything went right. I would not ask for more like it. Beyond the shadows of doubt, he was the perfect one for me.

Just when I was in the peak of my reverie, a sudden prick of reality stabbed my happily-ever-after. I realized it's just part of my past now. It's hard to believe, I know, - a fairytale which seemed to be perfectly perfect went astray in an instant.

I have no idea when this could last. I don't even know if I could assure myself that my very own fairytale will come to reality again.

All fairytales have its happy endings. The problem is, ours didn't turn out to be h a p p y the way it should be.

the old one and the new comers.

2009-02-06T02:17:00.000-08:00

Two of the most eye-catching lead actors of One Tree Hill keep on whirling my mind as of the moment- Chad Michael Murray a.k.a Lucas Scott and James Lafferty a.k.a Nathan Scott. Though I'm not much of an avid fan of such t.v drama, I just can't deny the fact that I was hooked up by these devilishly hot guys.

Now tell me,
Aren't they effin hot? *drool.

It doesn't matter if I'd be one of their million enthusiasts, so long as they are the ones whom I'm enamored about. Well, you might be thinking of the 'someone' on the previous post who'll probably get jealous and everything, but I guess I haven't told you about that part yet. Neither do I have any idea on how to expound on this matter in such a way that I'll not be so dramatic.

How fate deprived me of my supposed happy-ending seems to ruffle every inch of my system piece by piece- as if I've suffered from a sudden electrocution. The only prevalent difference is that, the agony I've been trying to deal with stems down to the person who used to be the sole reason behind every smile plastered on my face.

I wouldn't want to make a big fuzz out of this. I wouldn't want to expose this to public either. Yet on the second thought, I can't seem to find any reasons to keep the issue behind the net. From the start of my quasi-fairytale, never did I fail to update the cyberworld and the likes. So why would I not break the news, now that we're finally separating ways? It's useless either way. But then again, i find amends in doing such.

I guess those DESPARATE girls will most probably jump out of euphoria upon reading this. They might also pay a thanksgiving mass to the extent. Yes, that proves how DESPERATE they really are.

H O W E V E R..

There's still that one guy who my heart keeps on beating for: EDWARD CULLEN. Despite the unbearable torment, at least there's still one living immortal who' haven't left me just yet. And you thought I forgot about him, haven't you? How could I -- he's the VAMPIRE of my life! And he'll be coming back- along with the whole pack! Yes, pack of werewolves. :))

Now I'm even more excited for Twilight's Sequel. Come quick November 2009!

a splash of heedless-ness

2009-02-05T03:20:00.000-08:00

I guess I'm back.
You better have missed me, online world.

I don't have anything interesting going on right now. I know, my life has been so lame this past few days. I`ll probably blog over the weekend when I have something more coherent to say. Bye!

i wouldn't want anyone else.

2009-02-01T03:19:00.000-08:00

A thousand pair of eyes may speak of overwhelming admiration over you, and sometimes it could be flattering. Sometimes, it draws a smile on your face. But at the end of the day, no matter how many people express such adoration you'd still want to be with that person who doesn't only see you as someone to be praised, but someone to be loved amidst your negative impulses- someone who despite your imperfection, would still choose you over all other girls out there, someone who despite seeing your weakness, would still accept you wholeheartedly and someone who would be with you not only in your most blissful days but in the darkest moments of your life as well.

I found my someone
Have you found yours? ;p

when there's nothing to blog about.

2009-02-01T02:53:00.000-08:00

What Color Should Your Eyes Be?

Your Eyes Should Be Brown

Your eyes reflect: Depth and wisdom

People find you to be: Loyal, honest, and comforting

Your best trait: You are comfortable with who you are, and you don't pretend to be someone you're not

What's hidden behind your eyes: A tender heart

journey to uncertainty..

2009-01-25T03:45:00.000-08:00

As the car sped away, all that I kept muttering to myself was that I don't want to leave my dearest hearthstone yet. Not now, not two months after, not for a year or so. Ironic as it may seem, never do I want to leave this small city which has been an abode of unsolved kidnapping, petty crimes, hideous acts and all others.

But I have to. I can't send a clone to U.P to fix my future for me, can I?

Apparently, I'm still looking for couple of reasons that would probably force me to stay. Until then, I don't know.

sunday morning and research works.

2009-01-24T15:46:00.000-08:00

Oh my freaking gulay! I almost forgot about my research paper. I squandered half of my time muddling through poppycock-ish balderdash. I must have not gotten myself into those claptraps in the first place, yet the moment I catched on to the difference of important stuffs to the opposite, It was too late. What's wrong with me? Is this a bipolar disorder or something peculiarly usual?

Current mood: going 'loko'..

my 100th post

2009-01-24T04:59:00.000-08:00

Cheers to the girl whose brain has been up and running for quite some time now which made it possible for her to knock off every chunks of misadventures in her life in this piece of crap. This is no big enchilada or anything yet I refuse not to post this.

Let it be known that I'll be reading much more often than before. I felt the intense geeky urge of exploring the lalaland of books some time this day, and I hope that this vow exhibits, in some possible ways.

If I had the time, I'd like to expound my, aahhmm... colorful life. But for now, I'll let the pledge stand firm. So you, you and you and you... my self-imposed rule for this year says it all. Don't make me do anything that would make myself break it.

This sounds crazy, why am I posting this?